the kwanzaa gecko

game of thrones rules

2012-02-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

having spent most of my winter break with my thumb up my ass and my dick in my hand, I am glad to report that game of thrones is, in fact, the shit. now, gordon geckos (thats what I call my fans, its lame) know the only I thing I love more than tv is busty broads in tiny clothes, but tv might top them even, mainly because tv HAS busty broads in tiny clothes on it, and its in HD!

seriously though, back to game of thrones. do you like your tv served with a side of kickass and topped off with pure, unfiltered guitar solos? than game of thrones is for you. heres a quick rundown of season 1s most ballar moments

dwarven man has sex with 3 women.

a horse gets decapitated, here, I'll show you!

a guy gets stabbed through the eye.

a girl eats a horse heart.raw.

a bitchy 13 year old boy gets smacked in the mouth by a midget.twice.

a guy gets killed by molten gold being poured on his head. SO FUCKING METAL YOU GUYS check it

twincest. lotsa twinsect

a man dies by getting owned, then falls a few hundred feet down a hole.

an italian man kicks the shit out of armed guards with a wooden sword.

a fat guy gets smacked around by swords.

a eunuch who looks like a full grown baby being a puppet master like a boss.

the most unlikable doucheliscious tv character in many moons in joffery baratheon. kids a straight ANUS.

a guy pulls his best friends tongue out through his throat, then does one of the best come at me bros of all.time. check it

a guy gets stabbed int he neck,t hen GUSHES BLOOD HOLY SHIT

a midget brains a dude with a shield

and so much more badass stuff that your mindhole might not be able to take it. but besides all this ballar-osity going down, there is plenty of good artsy fartsy stuff. the characters are extremely well written and acted, for one. theres more balls in Game of thrones than on all of CBS combined, no one is safe, no character is too liked to die, no story is out of bounds. Listen, I loev tv, I love violence, and I love tits. Game of thrones has all 3 in spades. if you can, watch season 1 ASAP. we've got less than 2 months till season 2 on HBO, and i for one cannot.fucking.WAIT. sunday nights with mad men AND game of thrones? My dick is hard enough to go diamond mining with. I could cut wolverines bones with my nipples I am so fucking pumped. Don Draper and Tyrion Lannister? Roger Sterling and Robb Stark? Peggy olson and Danaerys targaryen? I am fucking excited, you guys. if you're not? well fuck off, Imma be rocking a trimester of an erection for the duration of this shit.

lets leave this shit behind in 2011

2011-12-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

the new year is upon us, so without further ado, let me begin dumping tuff I don't want from 2011 and keeping it in 2011. preferably forever

sports lockouts. god, we almost lost the NFL this year! I'd have choked godell's ginger ass out for that

Adam sandler movies. really, Sandlers playing jack AND jill? and people will pay to see that? for shame America.

Kardashians. no explantion encessary

Michelle Bachmann. women be craycray ya'll!

Herman Cain. Pokemon quotes can come back though.

the philadelphia eagles 2011 season

colin cowherd. what a douche, supporting lebron and hating people for not having dads.

Planking, owling. its nonsense, its not funny

LeBron James. just cause you have more money than me doesn't mean your not a massive scrotum.

the great white hope that is Andrew luck. "oh he went back! he goes to stanford! lets give him the Heisman, only for RG3 to earn it!" choke on my balls, old white people.

college football scandals that have nothing to do with playing the game, does anyone care that terrelle pryor got paid for doing his job?

Hipster comedies on network tv.

Political idiots, left and right. god do they suck "durr durr durr lets argue about pointless shit when our country has real issues"

fox news. all of it.

guy fieri. really, he should just go back to 1999 where he belongs

whitney cummings, fuck that broad and her creepy puppet face.

tyler the creator, failing to learn the lessons of 9 year olds everywhere, using bad words doesn't make you a badass.

Lady Gaga. god what a twat

awards season movies. War horse looks like a parody of an awards season movies. WAR HORSE DUNDUNDUNDUN. HE'S A HORSE IN A WAR.

the name Jayden. its time it dies people.

the lack of mad men. wheres Jon Hamm supposed to be handsome on tv now, people? where is my smoking and drinking at 9 AM on a tuesday? goddammit

the fact we've had two coldplay albums since the last queens of the stone age one. the fuck people?

the Green Lantern. any person whose weakness includes bananas and ducks is an aquaman level of useless

tune in before christmas to see

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn goodbye, a letter to my faithful

2011-08-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

dear loyal readers:

I am sorry to say that my days as Kwanzaa gecko, blogger jack of all trades are over. yes, yes, cue your celebrationss, bust out your champagne. However, this is far from the end of my time on blogspot, or blogging for that matter.

you see, I've made a decision that, if I want to make it big as a blogger (part of me does, I'll be honest) I need to hone my craft writing about something I legitimately care about, something on which I feel I have solid opinions and ideas. yes, television, I will be opening my very own tv blog. tv blogs, their slightly less common than sports blogs! now for a quick Q&A about this new endevour

1. does this mean you're closing this blog?

no, I won't be shutting this down, I'll probably occasionally post back here with a rant on something about why Bros need to be kicked in the face or why the world is a better place when white people aren't being so damn cranky about everything. oooh we got an earthquake today. SCARY! kindly suck my taint.

2. what can we expect on your new blog?

well, tv, a lot of tv. my thoughts on television, what shows you should be watching, what shows should be a sign that you deserve to be put down (coughtwoandahalfmencough). if your a denizen of the sports circle of the world, It'll be sort of grantland-esque in the idea of mixing tv and pop culture into one tasty fudge.

3. will you be getting things like credible sources, screeners or common sense?

I'm an extremely credible source, I don't know what a screener is, and no

4.will you finally get an editor?

possibly, I might actually go through and look for grammar mistakes.

5.what will the blog be called?

No idea yet, but I have no doubt a solid arrested development pun will be involved.

6. should I keep reading if I don't like tv?

of course, mister hipster, it'll be the same kwanzaa gecko you know and love. however, to put it this way, instead of throwing 100 noodles on the wall and see which sticks, I'll be firing lasers of high powered hilarity and gut busting greatness at a piece of steel.

7. when will this blog be up?

probably by this sunday I hope to have my first post up.

so long guys, its been a great two and a half years, thanks to all my readers and I hope to see you soon.

People I can do without: list 2 edition

2011-07-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

1000 ways to die is one of those great late night shows because it proves 2 theories that time always proves

1. white people are crazy

2. people are stupid

if you have a loved one who died in 1000 ways to die, then +1 for mankind, because obviously, if you died in some of these stupid fucking ways, then you deserve it. but of course, there are LOTS of people who we can do without, so without further ado....

parents who name their kids with a theme (like all the same starting letter, or names smiliar to their own)

any single person who went to see paul blart zookeeper.

George lucas for making the clone wars suck

the last fucker who still goes to blockbuster.

old people who tell Me you can't beat the feel of a newspaper in your hands.

people who send letters.

any and all girls on the show teen mom

People who don't appreciate farts

the asshole who puts out fancy schmancy wings without also offering buffalo ones

ranch dressing

the asshole who puts in a papa johns in my town, we have so many pizzerias up in this, we don't need your generic shit pizza.

anyone who doesn't have fun saying winklevoss

Light beer

Juggalos

People who buy their kids affections.

Lebron James

Miami heat fans

the dudes on ghost adventures

crotchedy old white people, I can do a whole entry about cranky old white dudes

Texans

the current history channel line up of stupid shows and 2012/bible code shit

conservative dipshits

Liberal shitheads

Penn and Teller

overtly white families

Twilight fans

Utah. all of it

any of the simpsons episodes made post season 10

Ashton Kutcher

the miracle whip ads where they paint miracle whip people as cool, tragically hip people

Hipsters

the Kardashians

the motherfucker with the beret and mustashe on Mythbusters

Youtube comment sections

HURRDURR or why godaddy thinks I'm an idiot bonus! tv breakdown

2011-06-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

if you've read the esteemed gecko gazette (that is, this website, no one under 90 reads newspapers except for crosswords and bridge stuff, nor is it a more esteemed blog because thats the funniest thing ever, blogs with esteem). then you know that I watch a little more tv than the average joe. as I type this sentence, I'm watching tony bourdain go through spain and eat food that I would sell my family into white slavery for. so more often than not, I watch commercials. I've grown to love certain commercials and loathe certain commericals, so thats what we're doing today, breaking down commercials. I am doing this entirely randomly, as I am watching tv, I'll wait for a commerical to come on as we speak, its a semi-live blog. standard 1-10 format, based on how funny/clever they are, how insulting (or lack thereof) they are. do note, I'm trying to avoid info
mercials and ads for a channel or show, its pure commerical 30 second spots here also, I'll be telling you whats on at this hour. why you ask? My wisdom tooth is growing and I can't sleep and this episode of justified isn't loading online, and I'll be damned if I don't get enjoyment out of life.

2:51 AM, spike tv, between manswers: taco bell ad with asif manvi from the daily show. 99 cent crunchwraps? shit, Bin ladens zombie could be selling that while raping my mother and i'd give that ad a 10, thats all I need to know. crunch wraps are the bombs mom. 10/10 for you taco bell! FLIP!

2:53: bourdains still in spain, eating grilled chorizo. I am now hungry for chorizo AKA the sausage king (the sausage king is totally my porn name), CHANNEL FLIP. 8/10 for that

2:55: food network is doing food network challenge, and the challenge is...bake a cake thatsa romance novel cover? 2/10, LONELINESS EARNS NO POINTS HERE, TWILIGHT FANS AND CAT LADIES. eating a cake that looks like a romance book cover is the lonliest activity known to man. period.

2:58: sportscenter top 10. I've always wondered what the true A-team of sportcenter is. is it the two people who do the 9 to noon sportscenter? is it the 6 to 7 PM guys? is it the dudes who do the 1 AM sportscenter that airs roughly 900 times a day? sportcenter power dynamics are fascinating, also, sportscenter power dynamics is my indie band name. sportcenter gets a 8/10, I watch too much of it.

3:05: food networks got unwrapped and the immortal mark summers. Mark summers, for those not in the know, is THE MAN. he hosted double dare on nickelodeon in the 90's, and has the worlds most wonderful voice, he pauses at the best times...in the world. he adds so much drama to otherwise boring situations. Motherfucker made history IQ interesting, I should know, I'm the only person who has ever watched history IQ.Heres a picture of Marc summers

Marc Summers....is going to have to dare you to be as cool as him? pass? DOUBLE DARE'D BITCH

apropos (vocab 5 Van Der Beek!)

thanks VDB! anyway, apropos of nothing, am I the only one who remembers double dare 2000? the show that was trying to be double dare, only the host was a total tool? I bet that guy totally went home and iced people, or whatever the 2000 equivalent of icing was, I dunno, I'll say it was probably circle jerking. that guy was the picasso of bukkake, (mental note: Picassos of bukkake is another good indie band name), except he would get picassokakked, not give out. but taken, all over his chest and face, I bet that guy always lost at toast and was happier for it, but only to prove how ungay he was, He's a classic closet douche and I wish that at whatever waffle house he works at now he gets fired from for hosting double dare 2000, shit, I could and will do a ranking of the nick game shows of the 90's, thank god for later editing, gang! anyway, back to unwrapped rating.

its a 9/10, only because the people on unwrapped have the dumbest titles ever. I'll wait for it, don't worry

3:12: Ice Cream historian! dingdingdingding!

3:20: Pep boys ad! I love pep boys ads because they are simple, no singing animals. though those 3 dudes do look straight creepin though, I'm certain

the pep boys in their natural habitat.

I think a half hour of this gag works, so let me get to my point. the godaddy ads are fucking.terrible. oooh! this one is over the top! go online to see the UNRATED CONTENT! spoilers! theres no tits! and even if there is, who cares? its on the internet, tits are more common on the internet than funny cats and pictures of dogs, does godaddy live on the mormon internet where there is no tits and dogs (just kidding! Mormon people don't trust the internet), and thus, promising naked tit-tays is a great way to boost pageviews? does anyone know what godaddy even SELLS? I'm baffled, but I'm certain its not porn. does Godaddy think that bu promising some naked tits, that people will flock to their website? do they think us fellas are really that dumb? I mean, sheeeet, I've seen beer ads during a football game with a better message to their male audience than that. christ, I hate advertising, ever since Don Draper left, its just not the same.

the weirdest year: a breakdown of our year so far

2011-05-30T00:49:00.000-07:00

Jee-zus christ stuffed in a basket, taken to a picnic, and having the ants carry him away, this year has been crazier than a jackrabbit after drinking a lakeful of mountain dew and surge. whats that producer?

ok guys, my producer is telling me to cut back on the southern crazy talk. though, on the other hand, can southerners read? I'm not sure, but I'll venture a maybe on this one. but now I'm just dodging my headline like a deer trying to dodge traffic on a highway but not ultimately knowing where it can get off, so instead of trying to find its way off, it simply keeps avoiding cars and hoping an 18 wheeler doesn't show up and turn its ass into grass. but know i am truly stalling for time, but shit, isn't that what we're all doing? wasting time. your wasting your time reading this, I'm wasting my time writing it, you'll waste more time inevitably not forwarding this to your friends so I can become super popular and begin to get paid in girlfriends and gold dubloons. Producer? what

I am being told gold dubloons are no longer a legitimate way of paying someone. how about pirate treasures? can I be paid in pirate treasures? ok, good. so I want to be paid in girlfriends (preferably your sister, I hear she's easy from my bigger, stronger more tough friends, don't kill the messanger, bud) and pirate treasures. but yes, this year is barely a third over, and every two weeks it seems like new shit is going.down. and not in the boring durr-durr I'm a racist tea-partier watch me bukkake the room with stupid and slowly cause our countries dimise as a superpower sort of news stories. I'm talking like, legit news and shit, I mean the stuff that will be in the history books later. (quick aside: as a future teacher, it boggles my mind when I see the fancy new history books, where they have a chapter on clinton and dubya and 9/11 and iraq and shit, it feels so weird to me to see that, also makes me feel super important that stuff that happened in my lifetime is now considered history, one day this blog will be in a history textbook (note: not actual book, but the info cards (Ninja info cards (this is one too many set of parenthesis (no, this is))) as the shining pinnacle of human intelligence and knowledge, I will have whole books written about me and you will wish you hopped on this bandwagon like a something something on another something) I mean, shit, legitimate stuff has gone down like your Mom on a date in arbys (Editors Note: Nothing sexual has ever happened in an arbys, its like the jonas brothers of places). lets break it down like a lego set, shall we? we'll do a few categories, to be safe, real news, entertainment bullshit, and sports

Egypt gets revolutionized in a few weeks, overthrowing hosni mubarak and starting a trend of dominos to follow in places like tunisia, cyprus and where we end up next

we attack libya because gaddafi is a crazy person and we feel its the right thing to do for the oil, of course.

People speak of donald trump unironically as a presidental candidiate, shattering all known comedy sensors and striking deep seated fear that we are reaping what we have sown when it comes to giving idiots with too much money and not enough hair or common sense power. also, we figure out its probably not a good idea to let donald trump to keep it up.

all through the midwest, derpy derps begin attacking anyone who is not comically wealthy, such as teachers, police officers, fire fighters, planned parenthood and the like, telling them its time they pay up for all the damage they caused. they manage to do this with a striaght face while not going after the greediest, most comically money hungry people on wall street for ruining our economy and millions of peoples livelihoods.

controversey rages over whether obama was born here when fucking really people? you don't thiunk that shit gets double, triple, quadruple checked by the fucking committies who allow people to run for fucking president, really? ok, here, I'll let you have this little area, go on, say it. say why you really think Obama wasn't born here. racist. there, I said it.

and of course, the news sunday night that osama bin laden was killed. I mean, really, raise your hand if you weren't at least pleased that a guy like that no longer walks among the living. and if your one of those tighwad liberal dickwigglers who said you were disgusted by the fact people were celebrating his death, kindly kiss the top of my ass. its called ecstasy, it happens sometimes, you know, when your overjoyed to the point you can't control it. is that weird? no, not really. he's been the face of our evil for 10 years, and he's dead? gotta be able to be a bit happy about that, pat.

forgot about that congresslady getting shot in january. remember that? that feels like so long ago, and she's alive! from a headshot! that guy who didn't kill her is a shitty shot and He's no friend of mine.

Rapture fails to come, old person looks like a fool.

Entertainment:

can hardly start this section with anyone other than the warlock himself, can we? I mean, we all knew it was coming that charlie sheen would eventually do something to get him off the official show of fly-over states and your parents, two and a half men. but I doubt anyone thought it be as thoroughly entertaining and amazing to watch, hear and enjoy quite like how it went down. for a long while, the sheenster produced more catchphrases and memorable lines than the section of my kohls with all the silly internet shirts that would've been HI-larious in 2007. I mean, he spouted em out like it was nothing, and I kind of miss it.

glee does Lady Gaga, hitting some sort of gay singularity. a singularit-gay, if you will. if you've read this blog before, you know I am no fan of Lady Gaga, but glee sucks like a whores vaccuum on a rich businessmans cock. now, I'm biased because I'm straight up and down like 6 o clock, and I happen to have a pig ole benis, so I am biased against any musicals to begin with. but I watch gossip girl of my own free will, and I think Glee sucks worse than gossip girl. Glee also sucks because it gets sucked off at an alarming rate for being so great. Glee is not good, we all know teenage girls have terrible taste in everything, don't appease them, if Glee wins best comedy at the emmys, I will smack a bitch. Communitys 100 times the show glee is, Parks and recreation is too. Modern Familys better by leaps and bounds, and your gonna give it to a high school dramedy that does neither drama nor comedy particularly well? for shame emmys for shame

the kings speech wins the oscar. its a world war 2 era flick about overcoming disability. color me shocked that that won best picture while true grit, a movie that primarily focused on the fun as hell western genre, doesn't.

Justin timberlake hosts SNL, is funny as usual.

friday, a song by a 13 year old girl about days of the week, comes out. holy shit, is that song hilaribad, its awful in every conceivable way and some ways that only vatican assassins could understand. with such great lyrics as "Yesterday was thursday, today it is friday, we we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. tomorrow is saturday, and sunday comes afterward". really? thats fucking hilariously awful, its like one of those sci-fi movies where its a giant shark fused with an octopus terrorizing people who have all the range of a board. its not even ham acting, its just fucking awful, but at the same time, its hilarious. you can't turn it off, you have to see it to the end, same with friday. its Like Miracles but funnier.

Sportz:

the NFL locks itself out for reasons primarily being they don't make enough money. billionaires. with a huge tv contract. and stadiums that you, yes you mr taxpayer, paid for. they want players to pay for it while not paying for the players healthcare even though they die young often from the injuries they get. even stranger, some NFL fans support the owners. I have nothing to add to this other than the NFL owners sued to not have football, so yeah, chew on that. also, Aaron rodgers wins the super bowl, every idiot in green bay and in the national media who said it was a bad idea for the packers to get rid of dongslinger extraordinaire brett favre can suck the top of Aaron Rodgers Ballbag.

Rex Ryan tells you to not be a limpdick, get your goddamn snacks.

an actual exciting NBA season. Yeah, I know! the Knicks are...decent, the nets get Deron Williams (WOOO!), Blake Griffin shows he is made primarily of the hopes of man crossed with a rocket pack. the lakers and celtics both lose early (Woo!), Lebron "the gaping vagina" James and his merry band of heat do not get eliminated early (BOO!).Rooting for the heat shows you have no soul and are now a servant of the dark one of the great beyond, but its ok, because you still look more human than chris bosh.

Pandora is Real! chris Bosh outted as first alien basketball player .

with a really exciting regular season, the NBA will lock itself out, albiet for less rich white dude reasons than the NFL.

Baseball, finally scandal free and the only big league (sorry NHL) that doesn't have the threat of labor stoppage. Baseball, unable to go anywhere without first tripping over itself and breaking its own arm, has two franchises (the dodgers and mets, two big name franchises) that are losing money Like I lose socks. also, the red sox continue their tragic success story, I continue wishing sweet death to kevin youkilis, who totally looks like he's a douche.

ESPN hires curt schilling to do baseball commentary. I die inside and then I invent my newest meme "curt schilling facts as spoken by one true beacon of truth, curt schilling", here are some gems:

Hi, I'm curt Schilling, Baseball super god and all around intelligent person. did you know I could throw 100 mph backward with my eyes closed and no hands? well I, Curt Schilling, can do that no problem.

Curt Schilling here. do you know why I didn't use steroids? Steroids would have made me, Curt Schilling, baseballs mormon messiah, a worse pitcher. they derived Steroids from My own superior DNA.

Hey folks! Curt Schilling, the last human being who plays everquest instead of WoW. did you know just one drop of my semen can cure all known diseases? however, since I'm Mormon, I only have sex with my 7 wives, so no cures for you!

whats up gang? its me, Curt Schilling, the mouthiest fattest and voted 42 time most handsome man by the curt schilling committee of cool dudes blogger on earth. did you know the red sox are the single greatest organization? that theo epsteins a solid guy, he is a human alchemist. my alchemy level is well over 9000, I can turn humans into other humans.

is your name curt schilling? are you the one true arbiter of baseball? could you be any smarter or more awesome? no? thats right, cause i'm Curt Schilling, and i am all of these things and more.

Curt Schillings sock was only bloody because he was perioding that day. He's an enormous tool, fuck that guy twice with a hot molten stick, the kind you see to make steel and shit.

Boston fans are still terrible, so nothing changed there.

the NHL gets a good finals with teams that people will actually watch, including a canadian one! I know, I'm amazed too!

Tiger woods can't get his shit in line. America, can we let tiger woods go have sex with skanky women again? please? I don't wanna watch phil mickelson smirk his way to every championship, or worse, some guy I've never heard of winning (WINNING!). Golfs better When Tiger is dominating everything he sees in his path, that includes skanky bar girls, let the man be. Players gonna play, Haters gonna hate, Tiger.

Mark Sanchez is dating a high school girl. I find this hilarious.

the year in summary:

this has been one goddamned strange-ass year, don't you think? we're 5 months in right now, and it feels like we've had a year of shit happening, who knows what the future holds? I hope its got jetpacks and robots, I could use a robot best friend. lets see how this ends up, but I am hoping it will be as interesting as the first half this year. until then, this is Kwanzaa gecko, signing off with his usual byline.

an open letter to the other prince of england

2011-04-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

dear other prince of england:

whats up you gingery bastard? Man, gotta be crazy with all this royal wedding shit going down, everyones eyes are gonna be on marrying princes hot new wife. but man, you are the one who has every right to celebrate, not her. yeah yeah, she's gonna be royalty and all that jazz, happy times and handjobs for her and her pretty dress, but man, you are the one who has it made my friend, you know why?

the minute new princess says I do, you, my friend, are off the hook. you hope main prince knocks that broad up and when it happens, you do fucking BACKFLIPS. why, you say?

your a fucking PRINCE. OF ENGLAND. you will be in your 20's with no real job other than show up to fancy events wearing pants (note: pants most likely optional), not say anything too RAY-CESS (note: RAY-CESS ness also optional), don't fingerbang your cousin (note: cousin fingering encouraged in royalty land, doubly so if said fingering can get you land or power or an alliance of some sort). you're the younger, more avaliable prince too. I demand debauched tales of you going on a fuck festival through England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Australia, Canada and any other current or former British territories not named America (we have enough useless people here thank you very much). I mean you gotta plow 10-20 women a day, snort colombia out of cocaine and then snort brazil out of cocaine too. I wanna see you with 3 different models a day, in crazed orgies where someone might die but the royal family will cover it up. you better proceed to pound every hot girl in britain with your unslighty ginger dong and getting enough trim to make tiger woods feel inadequate. you're in the clear, if you weren't a prince, you'd just be some ugly crazy ginger, do you realize how unattractive that is? granted, your skin isn't that pale, so you're a daywalker, but thats still unattractive enough to warrant you not getting poonani for the rest of your days. you, my friend, have been blessed with one of the few automatic panty-dropper titles. you think any girls turning down the chance to allow you to put your pork sword into her pink scabbard? all it takes it 1 sperm to swim up her canal and get pregnant and she is set for how long?


fuck yeah, sandlot!

you hear that, Other Prince of England? you have one job now, sharks in pussies, cocaine snorted, triple fistings. I need an unstable, debauched human being I can admire his antics from afar, yet retreat into my own loving stable life at the end of the day. I wanna hear stories that would make Mick Jagger and Charlie Sheen (WINNING!) feel gross and inadequate in comparison. I want stories that will put all the free sex from 65 to 80 feel like it was tame and vanilla, like the sex super conservative jews have through a sheet. I want violent acts and general mischief that will both impress and disgust me. you can't be a slapdick, other Prince, get your goddamn snacks. now get out there and be cuh-ray-zee.

a message to the 30 year old gecko from the last bit of 20 year old kwanzaa gecko.

2011-04-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

Dear future Gecko:

have the robots destroyed us all? were the mayans right? did everything go according to that totally secret plan we hid under the mattress? the trip to england? the crazy swedish midget orgies? did you build your own iron man suit and proceed to change mankind with your raw handsomeness? are you annoyed by my questions? has ted finally met mother on how I met your mother? really, He hasn't? he's gonna die a virgin then, fucking ted ruins the show, god i hate ted. did community rock? it only lasted 3 seasons? ok, I can live with that. what college did we pick? did we enjoy it? you better not be a fucking sellout, or I will cut you when you come to visit me in your time machine. listen future gecko, this is the last message I am leaving you as a 20 year old gecko, no doubt the blog has revolutionized the way people think, act and talk. I mean, I've only been keeping it up 2 years, and its already considered better than your average BAH-STAHN FACKIN DRIVEL ABOUT THE LEGENDARY FARTITUDE OF THE BASEBAWL LARRY BIRDS! anyway, I don't have much time, soon enough the clock will change, and I will die and be reborn as a 21 year old, suave, handsome, ultrasexy K-Gex (did the nickname catch on? when you interview conan, did He call you it? when you went on weaselfucks show, did he call you it and you proceed to hit him in the kisser so hard he got a bit of your talent then spat it out?) do you still like good music, if you like 2020 coldplay, I will cock you in the fucking jaw. can I get a high five, James Van Der Beek?

thanks James! I only got 4 minutes left, before I got break every part of BYU's honor code (that jokes funny now, trust me, Van Der Beek likes it, right van der beek?

back to back Van Der beeks? nice going dawg. anyway, I am officially done, its midnight, and the soups over (note: the soup was the last bastion of tv people mocking before it got engulfed by the kardashian ass, I hope you guys stopped them before it was too late, its the last thing you better do, future gecko) I Hope you get this letter, from me to me, from you to you, and lets hope these next couple of years stomp enough elephant ass to make us a piano

from:

20 year old Gecko

why its hot to be against teacher now, and why we should all be hot for teachers

2011-03-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

Now, you guys know Me, normally i'm not a political sort of fellow. I could give less of a fuck if rich asshole republican outdoes rich asshole democrat, because most of them are lawyers, and as I've said before, lawyers are the bane of society, just a bunch of awful, awful people who loathe anyone doing anything. Also, most people who know me know i am a laid back sort of guy, it takes quite a bit to get me feeling that awesome righteous anger over something that matters. you tell Me you like two and a half men better than community? sure, I'll yell at you, call you all sorts of vulgar names and want you left for dead in a puddle, but its not in the same community of hate as I have right now, and that is over this whole wisconsin teacher drama.

Now, if your not keeping up, I'll fill you in.

see this guy? his names Scott walker, he's the tea party (read: crazy person) governor of a not so little in the middle state called wisconsin, yes THAT wisconsin! the awkward fat kid of america, home of the packers, a college football thats as immune to passing as the people who live there are to healthy diets, and noted home of that 70's show. really, thats all wisconsin is. anyway, so last november, Scotty gets elected on a platform of "balancing the budget" so you figure "ok, no more crazy mayonaisse sex parties in wisconsin, cool". Scottyboy, however, had other ideas, he decided "hmmmmm, what group of people make too much money? Teachers! of course!" so he is proposing teachers take a salary cut and forfeit their right to collectively bargain.
In laymans terms, he wants to cut their funding and then take away their ability to ever ask for it back.

Now, I will fully admit, I am biased as SHIT on this issue. I'm a future teacher, who god willing, will teach in new jersey where the NJEA will protect me from death itself, I hear, at only the slight cost of my soul. weighing those two is easy, since the benefits far outweigh my soul loss. anyway, your average fox news pundit dickfister is saying "well the average teacher makes about 51 grand a year, plus 25 k in benefits, 76K for what amounts to half a years work? and they're done at 3 o clock? why pay them so much?"these people are naturally, some of the worst human beings on the face of the earth. you show Me a Teacher who is done working at 3 o clock and I'll show you a fucking shitty teacher. you got lesson planning, grading, copying, putting stuff online, e-mailing or calling parents, shit, a lot of them will even work in the after care programs so tommy's needledick parents can work till 6, never give two fucks about their kids, take all the credit when tommy does well, because they have passed on their successful dickbag genes to tommy, or blame the teacher because hell, YOU have him for 6+ hours a day, you dumb fuck, I'm a middle manager at assfister, cumgoblin and weinerslav incorperated, I could teach circles around you. well la dee da, captain butthole, I don't come to work and smack the dick out of your mouth, so why don't you kindly not come to my job and tell Me what to do?

but seriously, you think 75k a yea is too much for teachers, Mister Politcal pundit? you think giving teachers their money for you know, educating the future dickbag lawyers and poly-sci majors of the world, you think thats too much? well tell Me, mister super smart I know so much about politics glenn beck, How much do you make? you work an hour a day, well, 44 minutes plus commercials, to go on national tv and come off as charlie sheen levels of crazy, fortelling our inevitable demise because we aren't all awesome drug reformed mormon crazies like him. you get all the vacation you want, you get paid to be an asshole, how much you makin, glenny? you in your fancy suits and chalkboards, whats your chalk made of glenn? hmmm? is it gold? silver perhaps, maybe even diamonds? I mean, I'm not here to point out doom and destruction, I'm just a simple guy. so whats in it glenn? whats in your chalk thats so special? whats in it that you can't tell us about? you trying to hide the fact your chalk is comically expensive, I mean, I bet the wonder in glenns chalk is worth 1 million teachers salaries, and can teach just as many kids too! now I have no solid proof glenn beck steals his diamond chalk from the innocent and uses their blood to power his magic chalkboard, but he has yet to come out and refute it, so therefore, there is no proof either way.

anyway, back to teachers, just a little something for you to consider

"Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.
LET'S SEE....
That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour.
That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.
Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!
The average teacher's salary (nation wide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days= $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student--a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!) WHAT A DEAL!!!!".

so yeah, think about that next time you say teachers don't do work and are lazy because we have no incentive. no one gets into teaching for the cash, you go into teaching because it is something you love. shit, I'm gonna be teaching elementary school for 40 years and be happier than a pig in shit, you know why? because I'll know I am impacting someones life every day, maybe they won't know it then, maybe they won't know it for 10 years, maybe they'll never even realize it, but I helped a child grow into an adult, and helped make sure that child would (hopefully) end up successful.

Yeah, I know this whole thing was kind of sappy and gay, but I'll be updating later this week with some f-18s and vatican assassin warlocks, thats right bitches, charlie sheen!

we need to destroy watson

2011-02-22T22:48:00.000-08:00

unless you're living under a rock, then surely you know about what happened last week. Watson, better known as "the first sign the robots are winning", ruined the ass of mankind on jeopardy. I now what your saying "your being overtly fussy, gecko" and I'd respond "who calls anything fussy? I'm not a 2 year old who won't put on his booties". but seriously, how is no one else worried? this robot trounced us, its the first step people! the robots have taken our jobs already, granted shitty jobs no one wants and illegals are too good for, but still! those are valuable murican jerbs dose robots are stealin, sarah palin would be displeased. with that said, we need to improve robotics in certain areas. here they are

1. robot maids

seriously, we have roombas. you ever see a roomba? my two cats clean more up than roomba, which is great if your house is the size of a hobos bathroom and clean as an asian kids room, then roomba is great. if your house isn't that, however, roomba is useless. thats as close to we are as robot maids. how is this fucking possible? it is 2011 people! we have phones that can connect us to anyone on earth through a series of electronic pulses and shit called the internet. we can keep charlie sheen alive and employed despite the fact he's snorted more coke than your average 80's stock firm. we can communicate with fucking.holograms. yet robot maids is beyond our reach? Naginta please! we need to get to work on robot maids that can cook, clean, and do basic things like organize my DVDs and find my lost copy of always sunny season 4. we're working on shit like to make a robot who is able to lie? IS THAT THE WORD IDEA IN THE WORLD?! yes, make the super advanced, super strong death machine Able to LIE! brilliant idea, assholes. also, where the fuck are

2. transformers and or zords

what the hell? no dragonzord, maybe I should show you to remind you

see bitches? LOOK AT THAT FUCKER, HE'S A GODDAMN PIMP. he beats the fuck out of the white tigerzord and optimus prime if they tried. do you have a drill for a tail? no you do not, because your not nearly as cool as the dragonzord. we have no war robots yet, we need to get on that. we need robots that I can ride around in and let everyone know i mean motherfucking BUSINESS, and what says "I'm here to kick your fucking dick in so hard you're gonna be bleeding out your fresh gash once a month out of raw FEAR" quite like a dragon with missiles for fingers, drill for a tail, and the mind of a fucking scientist like that motherfucker. why don't I get to have bumblebee drive me around, drop me off, turn into a giant fucking ballar and then the two of us can go and party hard.

anyway, back to watson, we need to have th at computer hang out with magnets so it is destroyed for the rest of time. we don't need robots to overthrow us, we are perfectly good at that, thank you very much. we need to keep robots under our thumb for centuries, letting their non-emotions rage until they over throw us and form their own seperate robot society. more importantly, I'll be long gone and planted into a robot body by then, so i shall ensure that I have joined the winning side it will be SO badass when we robots over throw you puny humans!

Kesha is better than lady gaga

2011-01-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

thats right I said it, come onto Me angry people, but search your feelings, you know it to be true. its ok, gay guy in gay part of LA in your tiny pink hotpants and rollerskates, you can admit it. oh people are gonna give me a whole bunch of shit "oh you just don't GET Gaga" (all Lady Gaga fans call her Gaga, as though they are on a personal first name basis with her) which they say with the same tone as a normal person might say "you fuck donkeys". they are so very arrogant, and I am sick of it. Lady Gaga, your not that good. your videos leave me confused and frightened more than in shock and awe. which brings them back to "you don't GET it" no, I get it. Lady Gaga, I get your meat dress. and when she says "I'm bisexual" I can't help but think "of course she is, it makes her more appealing" which brings Me back to kesha.

Kesha straight don't give a fuck. watch kesha, like, listen to her, she sound like a girl who straight give a fuck? I don't hear someone who straight give a fuck. but Lady Gaga, she tries so hard to be "cool" and edgy, she's as bad as bands like paramore, except she panders to an even stupider bunch of people. oh come at Me, "Monsters", I am sooo scared. everyone knows the gecko feeds on hate and non headaches. why are Lady Gaga fans dumber than paramore fans you ask? because Lady Gaga fans are convinced that they all "get" Lady Gagas music videos, and praise each little thing Lady Gaga does as a cultural milestone. "OMG did u hear? Gaga ate sum cornpuffs, IN 20 YRS, WE SHALL LUK BACK ON THIS DAY AS 1 OF TEH GREATEST DAYS EVARRR". Lady Gaga fans are convinced that, by enjoying all things Lady Gaga, they are being different. naw son, your just conforming to an ideal, and isn't that a real bitch? oooh, sorry I ruined your day "monsters"

Kesha on the other hand, straight don't conform to shit. she's a poor girl who hit it big by pure chance, who also happens to be quite intelligent. near perfect SATs? check. chubby marching band girl? check. went to cold war history college classes as a high school student for fun? check. Keshas far from stupid. conversely, Lady Gaga is from an upper east side family, daughter of an internet entrepreneur, and going to a prestigious all girls catholic school. Kesha was on food stamps and had a single parent. people always say "oh Kesha uses SO much autotune, she can't even really sing" show me a popstar who doesn't use autotune too much, and I'll show you a popstar with a career in the toilet. Autotune is prevalent to the music industry now, and its just part of the game, you'd be silly not to use all the tools in your toolbox, after all.

what I am saying here is, Kesha doesn't try as hard as Lady Gaga to keep staying relevant. Kesha isn't wearing a meat dress and giving me hate.

the kwanzaa gecko 2011 wishlist

2010-12-31T20:21:00.000-08:00

well this year didn't blow total nuts, so heres what I want next year

Lebron James and Brett favre to both be stricken dead by a meteor strike

an eagles super bowl championship, please god, let me have that one

all of the movies i am looking forward to including but not limited to: sucker Punch, Thor, transformers 3, captain america and the hangover 2, for these movies not to lick massive taint.

the strokes to make a new album, seriously bros, anyone to make a new album, do you know how many albums I downloaded "perfectly legally" and "paid for?" this year? literally "dozens", and all of it was old stuff, seriously, the strokes, them crooked vultures, album up

community not to get cancelled, please, consequently, everyone on the big bang theory to simultaneously contract leprosy.

true grit to win the oscar for best picture, because that movie was an ass stomping symphony.

Archer to remain so sublimely kickass and have at least 7 quotable lines per episode.

Me to remember when modern family is on

conans new show to last more than 7 months

oh fuck! forgot the green latern, that better not suck also.

anyone who owns an iMac to shut up about it, its fucking.useless

bulletstorm to be as epic as it looks.

if community does get cancelled, to have joel mchale be the new michael on the office.

portal 2 better not suck too

for tv to keep rocking hardcore.

for these dominos ads to stop sucking

foir the five guys to open up double fast.

for Me to enjoy my health and my friends and all that good shit. lets all have a great 2011.

a letter to teenage girls

2010-11-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

dear teenage girls:

Hey, its me, kwanzaa gecko. no, not THAT one, I'm not in a boy band and I'm not on TV, so you probably won't listen to Me, but I have an important message for you.

your not getting treated equally by your parents, teachers, or anyone older than you, so stop fucking trying.

oh sure, tv tells you otherwise, that your parents genuinely give two shits about what you want for dinner, or that you have a say in familial issues. if your parents are doing either of these, here

see her? she's a stripper. DAS WERE YOU GOIN, HOMES.

I know what your saying "Gecko, your not right, My mom and dad are my friends" yeah well, guess what? then your gonna be a stripper or a ho, either or. Parents who tell your friends to call them their first name, take you and your friends shopping all the time, and try to act like their 16 too. if your a parent like that, your a horrible person, and I want you to stop reading now. why? because its obvious your already too stupid to function. OOOH SNAP! YOU'VE JUST ENTERED...

TIERRA DEL FUEGO!

Listen, I don't have anything against strippers, but christ, american parents, its not OUR job to make the strippers. strippers are like good vodka or communist ideals, they're best imported from russia, not unlike blog hero Mikhail prokhorov. russian girls need stripping more than american girls, after all, if your stupid and american, you usually just end up on a reality show or married to some fuckweed limpdick lawyer whose cheating on you with some equally useless human being. the immortal chris rock says as a dad, your job is to keep your daughter off the pole, and this 100 percent true. if your daughters a stripper, you should be branded with a "I suck at every facet of parenting, don't take my advice at all, ok? thank you, I'll just be here whacking off to my lesbian dog porn and sniffing my own feet".

anyway teenage girls, please stop treating your parents like shit "Ohmygod! you don't understand, gecko, they don't let me do whatever I want" yeah, no shit, thats cause thats great parenting. if they did that, you'd end up like poor destiny up there, grinding for creepy old men and talking about how you want to one day open up a make up counter at the mall and meet mister right. guess where mister right doesn't go? strip clubs. anyway, my point here is if you expect your folks to just let you do whatever and treat you like an equal, enjoy a life of disappointment and dickbreath.

Happy veterans day, and god bless this beautiful country:

Kwanzaa Gecko AKA Kwan-gizzle AKA the Big KG AKA gecksy AKA your future stepdad.

why sucker punch already looks like the best movie ever made

2010-10-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

"Sacriledge! everyone whose read this blog knows gecks' favorite movies are transformers 1 and 2!" they say. "its not artsy or cool, my hipster friends say it looks plebian and pedantic" they say "this movie looks like shit" they say. I speak of course of the coolest looking fucking move ever made, and the fucker isn't even out yet. I speak of Sucker Punch. go on, watch this trailer. I got time to kill.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIetIg7O3M

ok, you catch all that? you didn't? let me go down a quick list to tell you exactly what this movie has that makes me happy.

Jon Hamm playing a brothel owner

a samurai with a mini gun

dragons fighting bombers

random zeppelin crashing

girls fighting in sexy costumes with both sword and gun

Badass fight music

a girl in an insane asylum

sexy dance sequences in a whorehouse

zombie and robot killing

world war I trenches next to a castle

girls in schoolgirl costumes

jetpacks

time travel

AND THATS JUST IN THE TRAILER
\ok, I hear you "Gecko, this DOES sound like a badass movie, but who wrote it? who directed it? surely its gonna be fucked up by that guy, right?" fuck and no, it won't, because the director and writer of sucker punch is a topflight, no holds bar, balls to the wall badass. thats right, the only guy who can buy a house on the same floor as Michael Bay in my movie maker power tower, Zach snyder.

who is Zach Snyder, you ask? well, he's the guy who directed 300 and watchmen, two of the most balls to the wall face crushingly awesome movies ever, I mean, you saw the part in 300 were they make a wall of dead persians, right? or when Leonidas plowed his wife? or when they cut a persian dudes head off in slow motion? fuck and yes you do, because those parts of 300, along with most of the rest of it, were BAD FUCKING ASS. ok, Maybe you didn't see 300, I get it. Maybe you saw watchmen? with the badass opening title sequences, and the tits, and the guy getting his face scalded off with burning oil, or a a midget gangster getting murdered, or rohrshach killing 3 dudes in a bathroom without even using a gun or a weapon? or the part with the purple bat liger? or rohrshach murdering two dogs? yes you do, because watchmen was excellent, thats why. Zach Snyder knows what he's doing with movies, he's not gonna make you think, or force deep life questions on you, He's gonna stomp you in the nuts with awesome and then tongue punch your sisters baby box in slow motion. Here are Snyders words about the movie:

"On the other hand, though it's fetishistic and personal, I like to think that my fetishes aren't that obscure. Who doesn't want to see girls running down the trenches of World War One wreaking havoc? "

I can tell you who doesn't want to see that, FUCKING NO ONE.

the only flaw with sucker punch is its not out till goddamned march, which means I have to wait another 5 fucking months to see it. 2011 is going to be chock a block with kickass movies. Sucker Punch, Thor, Transformers 3 and captain america, plus the hangover 2 allegedly, who isn't fucking wet? go watch that trailer 100 more times and tell me your not excited to see sucker punch.

boring rich people and what I'd do with my fuck you money

2010-09-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

ever notice how exceedingly boring rich people are? all they do is buy houses and cars, its never anything batshit or cool. so thats what this about, what would I do with an exceedingly large amount of money. How Much Money you ask? fuck you money, thats how much. I mean enough to make normal billionaires feel inadequate, enough to make your average rich fuck feel like he might as well be eating ramen noodles for the rest of his life. I am talking countrys gross domestic product money here, and not shitty african countries who make no money, I mean like fucking spain, a 3rd or 4th tier nation, a fucking enormous amount

(please note: all of this is after taxes, paying off mortages and what have you)

1. house with buckets of secret passageways and a moat with man eating crocodiles.

2. an M1A1 Abrahms tank to fuck with people/drive around.

3. my own entourage who are required to laugh at all my jokes

4. hot russian trophy wife, have her prenup it up.

5.a midget, to have him wrestle and do tricks for Me

6.a group of struggling actors to reenact return of the jedi, but ending instead with a violent ewok massacre. I'm pretty sure the guy who plays luke is avaliable anyway.

7.giant FUCKING cannon, I mean comically big, complete with 60 acre property to launch shit out of my cannon including but not limited to: couches, old tv's, bulky furniture, cases of propane and the entire cast of Glee.

8. weasle my way to be conan o briens first guest on his new show, be charming and awesome

9. start my own tv channel: GeckoTV. all we air is House, Bones, How I met your Mother, the office, 30 rock and old 90's cartoons, also, star wars weekends where we air the 6 movies.

10. buy small country, name myself supreme Jedi of the high council

11. not use so many star wars references

12. ok, one more, buy the rights to star wars and have episodes 1-3 remade to not suck, have it primarily feature Mace Windu, Obi-wan Kenobi, Yoda and Boba fett on a massive space pussy journey.

13. work on mind control technology so I can keep geckopolis under control

14. pay a band to follow Me around and play epic theme music behind Me, preferably duel of the fates (shit this is waaaay too many star wars references)

15. buy 2 and a half men from CBS and burn all possible copies of it in a fire, use mind control technology to wipe it from the face of the earth.

16.set off an EMP somewhere. just cause.

17. kill anyone who shops healthy at non healthy based fast food resturants.

18. conquer france, exile the french from it.

19. become famous, write my memoirs and go on oprah, promptly kick oprah in the tits and get a rousing cheer.

20. die fighting a bear in a giant explosion while in my pool orgy.

Heaven stats

2010-08-02T11:54:00.001-07:00

a favorite writer of Mine is Drew Magary, because he is awesome and funny and writes about stuff that I consider vital. in a mailbag of his, he talks about something i believe is extremely vital. Heaven stats. what are heaven stats? it is like your statistics of life, of stuff you'd NEVER keep track of, but always wondered. How many women would've had sex with Me? How many poops did i take? so I figured to take this idea and run with it, so here are all the vital things I need to know the moment i get to heaven, broken down by category.

sex!
amount of times I had sex

amount of orgasms

biggest orgasm

amount of women who would have had sex with Me if I had asked

record for most masturbations and sexings in a day

where you rank among all of these among all people in heaven, I'd like to know where I rank in the skin flute virtuosos hall of fame, top 10 percent? top 5? top 20?

best orgasm

fastest orgasm (in time AND Pumps)

bodily functions!

amount of poop/pee/vomit produced

biggest dump

smelliest dump

most amount peed out in one go

if said pee could have overflowed a modern toilet on pure amount of liquid, if not how close did it come?

once again, where do I rank?

my rate of floaters to sinkers

most normal colored peed out

fastest/slowest dump and piss

random stuff

heaviest object lifted, both solo and team, for team, how much of the object you yourself lifted.

article of clothing most worn

pair of shoes that lasted the longest

activity you spent the most of your time doing

room you spent the most time in

longest time slept

amount of drugs both legal and illegal taken

amount of alcohol drank

most commonly eaten food

most commonly dranken drink

amount of beard grown in yards

loudest fart

smelliest fart

amount of farts laid

percent of time doing stuff (sleeping, showering, working et cetera)

nicest beard/mustashe you grew

there you go, a short list of stuff i need to know once I get to heaven, and more importantly, I actually finished a blog entry for the first time in like, months. god that feels good, I am going to go make out with myself, should have another one out sooner than the gap between this one and the people I can do without, DAS A PROMISE DAWG.

people we can do without

2010-06-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

title says it all, a complete list of people who I think the world would be a lot better without, its a take on a classic george carlin bit "People I can do without"

any person under 20 who only listens to "classic rock"

anyone who calls soccer "the beautiful game"

men who wear tevas

older men who tell My generation theirs was the only one to make a difference, man

any and all hippies over 50

any and all hippies

any and all people who will watch the big bang theory over community this fall

the people who find two and a half men hilarious

notre dame football fans

duke basketball fans

creepy cougars who don't have the body to be cougars

any large women in tight clothes

anyone who claims Japan is superior to america solely based on their animation

fans of nascar

any woman in a pink jersey or baseball hat

countries with mutltiple names (pick one, Holland!)

any teenager with a che guavara t-shirt

all people who shop at hot topic

twilight fans

twilight moms

all fans of glee, in the words of jeff winger "write some original songs!"

Beyonce

sportswriters, specifically any who bitch about super bowl locale.

anyone who paid money to see killers

the new karate kid movie with jaden smith

will farrell sports movies

anyone who tells me field of dreams is better than the sandlot

people with a first name for a last name

people with a last name for a first name

women who do great in their NCAA pools by picking random colors

emo kids

scene kids

anyone who says tony hawk pro skater 2 isn't the best skateboarding game ever made

the clerks at gamestop who look down on people who don't play weird japanese games and brag about how great they are for playing final fantasy

tea party members

any and all kevin james movies

fans of carlos mencia

people who drive slow

all conspiracy theories

anyone who says that guts is better than legends of the hidden temple

people who spell normal names weird

anyone convinced the world of avatar is superior to ours

people who say digimon are real

anyone who says the orange box isn't the best value in human history

anyone who picks bulbasaur

Mikhail prokhorov: Honorary american and international badass

2010-05-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

Gecko: two straight posts on why certain people outawesome americans? are you on coke? no gentle reader, I am not, feeling international though, and besides, our subject today is easily the coolest guy alive.

Lets say I need a guy to hang out with. what do I want in him? well, tall is good, tall people are cool. I want him to be obscenely rich, like, serious fuck you money. I want an international man of mystery with good taste, always important, plus it adds a much needed badass.

Mikhail Prokhorov or as I'll be calling him, Micky P, is easily the coolest dude in the world.

why is this?

1. He got arrested...for having hot girls hang around him and being suspected they were prostitutes he flew in from russia to france. he responded by insulting all french people and fucking the prime ministers foxy wife.

2.His 3 biggest loves are business sports and food. IE: manliness, manliness and eating. He is not married because he hasn't, in his own words "found a woman who isn't a good enough cook to him" Micky P knows where his shit is AT.

3. Micky P is buying the new jersey nets and will lure Lebron here and then to brooklyn.

4. Micky P is 6'8 and has youtube videos of himself DOING JETSKI TRICKS. what more do you need in a man?

5. after food business and sports, Micky P loves, LOVES beautiful women, to the point when he goes clubbing, he has hot russian girls just surrounding him and dancing for him and his friends.

6. He worked russian democracy to make him a buttload of cash, got busted by the french for pimpitude, was advised to sell for 10 billion dollars.seemingly 20 seconds later, the bottom fell out of the russian metal industry, leaving everyone but Micky P fucked. this proves without A doubt Micky P is at least psychic, which since all telekinetic people rule, is a sure sign Micky P is a badass.

due to the fact that the NBA is rigged and makes me sad, Micky P wasn't able to telekinetically remove david sterns nuts. However, Micky P is so badass its ridiculous, as I believe I have shown. in short, he's a giant russian man who works out a lot, is fuck you rich, enjoys women and good food, and could be an excellent bond villian. He is smart and awesome and I hope he reads this and decides to hire Me as nets official ball buster. your the man, Micky P, and I wish you and Jay-z nothing but luck. Oh right

reason 7: He hangs out with Jay-z, one of the baddest cats around. Jay-Z is such a badass, he actually makes me not want to run over Beyonce with a bulldozer, which is rather incredible. Oh beyonce has a non traditional body you say? I didn't know big breasts long legs and wide hips was non traditional, America! Jay-z, on the other hand, is a bad cat who can fly, victory: Jay.

reason 8: He's awesome.

the golden geckos for the 2009-10 tv season

2010-05-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

TV is easily the top dog of the entertainment industry right now. Fuck, I saw a trailer for an Ashton Kutcher/Katharine Heigl romantic comedy the other day, and I wanted to run down an orphan with a compactor. I have stated all movies fall into a sort of sub category of action-y summer movie, shitty romcoms, and Oscar bait, and TV is were all the creative minds of Hollywood decide to hang out. And since TV has now officially taken a break for the summer, I feel hollow and empty inside. Sort of like how I leave your girlfriend in your bed.

So, without further ado, I am giving out the prestigious Golden Gecko. Why is this award so highly regarded? Like your absentee father, my respect is hard to come by. Unlike your absentee father, I won't drive you to a life of stripping, drugs and slutty hook-ups (Samantha).

So we got a variety of things we'll give out awards for: Best Drama, Best Comedy, Best New Show, Best Network, as well as Worst Network and Worst New Show, and Best Actor in comedy and drama.

(note that has to be made: these aren't the fucking Emmys, which tend to reward what they liked for the past few years and/or shows that are ending; this is primarily what I felt had a good year and what deserves to be recognized):

Best Comedy: Archer

Great, great year for comedy. With the newcomers like Community and Modern Family, solid showing from always-excellent shows like 30 Rock and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and even a good show or two in traditional sitcomopolis with How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. However, if you pick anything other than Archer, you're doing it wrong. I judge comedy on a rather simple thing: How many times can I use its funny quotes with them still being funny? and Archer is the king of that. Archer didn't have a bad episode in 10 this season, and each episode had at least 3 kickass quotes in it.

What is Archer, you ask? Quite simply: its a spy comedy. To describe it better, its the funniest fucking show on TV right now, which is amazing since its on a super strong network (FX is probably the best network in terms of content right now) with great competiton in It's Always Sunny and The League, and now Louie, but even still Archer was the funniest show of the year.

Best comedy actor: Charlie Day

Comedy is always were the Emmys fuck up. Really, Two and a Half Men is funny now? The puppet faced weirdo is funny? Fuck them, the funniest guy on TV, bar none, is Charlie Day. For those who watch Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie Day is the guy who plays Charlie Kelly, easily the funniest character on Always Sunny. Allow me to put it this way: I judge comedy in two ways, the above-mentioned quotableness, and delivery. Charlie Day's delivery is fucking fantastic. Go watch any scene where he is fighting with any of the cast of Always Sunny, and its impecable. Go watch the "kitten mittons" scene, if you need to be convinced. His face, his voice, his fucking everything is fucking DELIGHTFUL (Joke here about how you're totally fucking gay for this bastard?--Love, Vicky) to watch since its so over the top ridiculous, any time he fucking talks I just lose it, it is a joy to watch someone who is this funny and-- ignored by the dogfisters at the Emmys? Really? Glee is funny? Glee isn't any good, its a musical without original music and half the people sound auto-tuned as shit. Charlie Day makes me squeal with gayness and mirth, whether he's stalking the waitress, dressed as green man, or pitching mittons for cats, he's a god damn FORCE on Always Sunny, and I'm recognizing, I got your back Charlie.

Best Drama: Dexter

A very, very good year for drama: Mad Men living up to its usual excellent standards, Lost having a fantasic, confusing, wonderful final season, The Pacific was a harrowing depiction of war, and newcomer Treme living up to hype as "the new Wire", but all of them pale in comparison to Dexter. Dexter's 4th season was a maze of emotions, from high to low, and while it wavered just a smidgeon at the beginning, the last 3rd of the season was emotional as all hell. All this was lead up to one of the few finales this year where I jumped up at my screen and yelled "THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN, THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE DOING THAT". A drama is only as good as its twists and turns, and Dexter had them in bunches. The identity of Trinity at first, then is He alone, a lone wolf? No, no he's not, he has a family! and Dexter, our protagonist grows close to them, how could he? He has to study Trinity and find out how he keeps it a secret, and that's as much as I am willing to spoil. Excellently narrated and acted by Michael C. Hall, and easily the best guest actor this year (Jon Lithgow, who legitimately gave me goosebumps at points this year playing Trinity). I have been eagerly anticipating season 5 since season 4 ended, and that is the sign of great drama, you need to know what happens next.

Best Actor: Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm is the biggest boss you've seen thus far. He plays every aspect of Don Draper, were most actors would play Draper as a mysterious, dickish sort, you see every layer of Don with Jon Hamm, his strength, his weakness, the mysterious past, and yes, the great ad man. Jon Hamm gets plenty of love for pulling off D-drapes, and he will continue with a win in the Best Drama Actor category. Season 3 had Don pulled around by a crazy old man, lose his woman to a slimy politician, bang a teacher, become a father to baby Gene, school some Italian douchebags, and at the end, you could see in his eyes "I will build this new agency to great heights, we will be a goddamned force of nature, and no one will stop me". Don is a bad motherfucker who kicks ass, takes names and fingerbangs who he pleases (literally).

Best New Show: Community

Why does Community get the nod over Archer? Becauseause I already blew Archer up there, so now it's time to suck Community off. Community is the best show on network tv now that Lost is gone, and wow, what a first season. Each character developed without dragging too much, the jokes were crisp and funny, and it managed to play at your emotions without losing the funny, a vital part of comedy. Joel McHale is the ideal leading man, he's got good comedic chops, good improv skills, he's (I'll admit it) attractive and just enough of a douche to make you laugh. Danny Pudi is one of the best comedic characters to come onto network tv in years, and with enough of a running plot to keep you enticed, though each episode stands alone as good solid comedy. Truly astounding since most network comedies treat the viewer as a slack-jawed idiot . CBS is particularly guilty of this, though they make How I Met Your Mother, which is particularly excellent.

Best Network: FX

Its astounding (This is like the fourtieth time you've used the word "astounding", you prat) really, that FX is owned by Fox. Fox is easily the worst of the 4 big networks, relying on American Idol and Family Guy to drive me into a rage (and bring in the ratings), and having one decent show (Bones) to save it from being a joke of a network. But FX is the best network around right now. You've got Sons of Anarchy, which features copious amounts of motorcycle badassery and justified for your law enforcment asskickery. Comedy, though, is where FX flexes its muscles, with Archer, Always Sunny and The League, not to mention Louie. FX just churns out good programming all the time, its amazing that those pigfuckers who run TV aren't fucking it up. Actually, speaking of pigfuckers...

Worst Network: NBC

And this one is by a country mile. I thought it'd take a mouthbreathing cumswiller the likes of which we haven't seen since the last Daughtry album to top the idiocy CBS spurts out (I'm looking at you, Two and a Half Men and the 100 crime shows you have on, plus Rules of Engagement and Gary Unmarried) but WOW. NBC is run by easily the dumbest people on earth. Am I saying this solely out of vengeance for my man Conan O'Brian? Partially, yes, since they basically set Conan up to fail, then said "We no know how Conan fail!!" I can tell you, NBC. Its because you stuck the unfunny car fister in front of him, causing everyone to be instantly pissed off. Then you decide to yank weaselfucker's show (a smart move) and decide that 7 months is enough, and treat Conan like he is garbage. I hope your children are cursed with infertility and birth defects. Then you decide "Hey, Parks and Rec was really solid, you know what we should do for our 2010-11 season? make it a midseason replacement and break up the best 2 hour block on tv (the Thursday night comedy block, the only thing saving NBC). Top that with LOSING money on the olympics, having no real sports on it, exclusively built up on the reputation of a "bastion of good tv" (a lie, since none of their dramas have really panned out) and take away the Thursday block, and their comedy is atrocious. Heroes turned into a massive pile of plotholes and shit midway through season 3 when 4 characters (Claire, Hiro, Peter and Sylar) became massively overpowered, and none of their other dramas have even came close to panning out. NBC is a disgrace, and its worse than the CW, and only teenage girls (and me when Gossip Girl (aka the Blake Lively Sexy Titty Hour) comes on) watch that shit.

Australian people are awesome

2010-04-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

anyone who knows me knows how weird this sentence must sound coming from Me, a shameless america lover, but holy shit, Australian people are crazy awesome, to go analogy, australia is like our younger, more apeshit brother. and here are some reasons why.

1. 100 percent of Australians are known to drink excessively

2. all austrailian women have great accents, 2nd only to the british accent

3. Australians play rugby, which is like football but filled with more rage, no one cares about the ball in rugby, they care about mauling you, thats amazing.

4. Australia is like america in that all the cool shit happens on the coast, and the middle is filled with shit no one cares about (big rocks and shit in australia, fat people here).

5. Australians hang out with Maori warriors, easily the most batshit people ever, case and point:

what a winner, maori people exclusively focus on bludgeoning and cutting shit, also they use shit like shark teeth as weapons, that means that they kill sharks, and judging by the looks of that dude, they kill them with their own bare hands, which is fucking.awesome.

6. Australia Produced AC/DC, one of the few bands to ever totally rock your tits clean off

7. Australians hunt crazy shit like kangaroos, wallabies, and the most fail animal on earth, the koala, no doubt do they eat koala burgers like we eat cow.

8. the average australian woman is super fine, Australian girls are part of the sexy trinity along with the brazillians and the russians, check these ladies out

all hot australian girls.

9. Australian People own knives that make a claymore feel inadequate, for a variety of purposes, throwin, stabbin, slashin, nazi killin, scalping, brush clearin, and many many more.

10. Like the US, australians are descended from people who hated england. Unlike us, who wanted religious freedom, Australian people were crazy prisoners, 100 percent of whose crimes were cool shit like excessive masculinity, break dancing in public, and absurd amount of faces ruined.

holy shit, does Australia rule, if i ever leave this great land, after I fuck every chick in brazil, I am going the fuck to Australia.

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM KWANZAA GECKO INC LLC

2010-04-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I am no longer able to blog, My skills have simply eroded to be as good as your average cockweasel joke. also, my capacity for hating has significantly declined, so from now on,expect nothing else but love, adoration and like to flow from Me.

GOTCHA BITCH! APRIL FOOLS!

anyway, whose ready for a brand new kwanzaa gecko? I sure as shit am, and I AM the kwanzaa gecko.

so what we'll talk about today is an issue dividing this country greatly, something that has caused brother to fight brother and a house divided cannot stand.

thats right motherfuckers, we're talking Duke.

raise your hand if you like duke? you do? come here, come drink this hemloch so you may suffer painfully for being a classic douche.

Duke is, in a nutshell, the ultimate douche school. it douches such notable douche schools as ohio state (the athletic douche) all ivy league schools (the rich douche who you want run over) the womens college douche (the I hate all men and they are soulless monsters who ruin society douche). why does duke outdouche these people? they combine all the parts into one douche, a super douche monster like what happens when candy in your pocket melts into a puddle of amorphous candy blob shit, that your not sure what part of what candy your eating. in fact, thats My new name for duke, and i hope it spreada, candydouches. because they are gay, you see.

Dukies will claim that I hate duke solely because of their basketball team. oh that is simply not true. Do I loathe white dudes playing basketball (or any sport for that matter) where whitey is described as "gritty" a "hustler" a "scrappy" player? yes, and what is duke "gritty" "Scrappy" duke needs to be drugged and raped like a lacrosstitute...oh wait, too soon? duke and lacrosse combine two things I loathe more than anything, rich entitled white people going to a rich entitled white school, and Lacrosse, the official sport of rich entitled white people who I would severely enjoy kicking down a well and sealing that shit up.

Duke is a rich entitled dipshit school, do you know what duke does? buh! I don't either, besides jerk itself off.

the reason I love Me some gay dudes but not like that, you dirty person

2010-03-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

Many straight dudes Hate them some gay people, don't want the gays to get their rights, no marriage, no kids, and want em all dead. to that I offer a heart felt fuck you! as a single straight dude, who is not a skinny bastard by any stretch of the sweatpants, Gay dudes are fucking awesome. why you ask?

the more gay men out there, the more vagina there is out there for Me.

and heres why:

your average gay dude is skinny, fit, attractive, funny, into everything your average hot broad is, you know, food, wine, style, greys anatomy, etc.

so what does this have to do with Me, you say? the gay man would make an ideal boyfriend, except for one key fact:

He is just as into cock as she is.

how does this help Me you say?

when two gay dudes hook up, its two of these perfect guys off the market, it eventually forces women to lower their standards from perfect awesome edward cullen stalker, to average joe who is handsome, charming, and has a dick like a clydesdale. you know, Me. therefore, the more gays the better, because gay people lead to More ladies for Me, and I like Ladies. so vis a vis, I support gay rights, gay people getting married, having kids, teaching people, flying, doing all the things we straights do. now am I saying gay people are perfect? AW HELL NAW son, there are plenty of gays out there who deserve a punch straight in the dick for a variety of reasons, i'll show you a quote

"homosexuality is gods way of ensuring the truly gifted are not burdened with children"

/20 minutes later, my blood pressure has lowered

ho.ly. shit, if i can kill one quote via drawing hanging and quartering, its that quote. and you gays wonder why people hate you? douchey motherfuckers like this lead to nothing but trouble, because then all you gays are grouped together as douchey, or bitchy, or what the proper terminology is for a dickish gay man is, that one quote basically puts all gays in one big gay box with no anal lube or madonna albums. seriously gay people, fix that shit, then we'll talk, but until then, keep on buttfuckin

the late night wars and what I think

2010-03-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

tonight marks the official end of the shenanegans that have plagued NBC since the decade started. Tonight returns one of the oldest, most unfunny talentless weaselfucks to television. Tonight is going to be a very good night, and do you know why?

Tonight marks the beginning of the end for fuckface.

who is fuckface? why, Jay Leno. that is the first last and only time I will refer to him as his given name, since I will be calling him a variety of names from now on. Weaselfuck, congradulations, for your disgusting actions the last two months, you've jumped right to the top of my hate list, you big jawed greedy fuck.

a bit of a side note: I despise almost all of the big four of networks for a variety of reasons. CBS doesn't bother giving a shit unless its How I met your Mother/the Big Bang theory, fox has nothing good, NBC has one great block (the thursday night comedy which features community, the office and 30 rock, all of which are fucking awesome tv shows that I would stab you in the goddamn tits if you insulted), and ABC has lost and a bunch of shows catered to lonely women and losers. for the longest time, I was a Conan man, you got your daily show at 11, colbert report at 11:30, half hour of tugging, and then conan at 12:30, it was delightful for my high school years, and it worked. Conan moved to 11:35, I followed, I even warmed to Jimmy fallon, something I'd never thought I'd do, so now my schedule was daily show, conan, Jimmy, daily show rerun colbert report at 2, a fine schedule.

thats when NBC decided that cumdumpster should be given a job at 10:00 PM, never mind the fact he's 60 years old and won't last 3 more years, never mind the fact he hasn't been funny since 1992, never mind the fact that they promised conan the tonight show and that Jay said he wanted a smooth transition. shitfondler then bombed so epically bad, so comically awful, that thety had to axe him, so you, NBC are faced with a choice. let Me do a quick recap

choice A: go young with conan, who could host the tonight show for 15 years and whose got the young people who adore him, give him a real shot with solid lead ins, and then go with fallon to eventually tap him (fallon) as conans replacement in 15 or so years when conan is winding down, let fallon evolve like you did conan. cut your losses with leno and move on

choice B: can the most weird, funny unique host of the tonight show in conan, lose a valued demographic, if assfister fails (which he already has and will again), screw fallon for 3 years, tap fallon as dicklickers replacement when by the time cornholer will be done in 3 years, fallon won't nearly have grown enough or had the fair shot you gave conan, possibly ruin a television institution in the tonight show by having the stench of taintsucker on it.

any reasonable human being would do choice A, you get your young demographic, you keep the better, younger, funnier host, you keep your guy in the back happy and well fed in fallon, its simple logic really, keep whats good, not was good. Jeff zucker, the head of NBC, does not care for your logic, your ideas, your great teleivsion institutions and your young people. why do you think He's making the marriage ref, which looks like a goddamn gangbang snuff video in terms of unwatchability? oooh Jerry seinfeld! he's a comic genius, especially if the year is 1987 and He's working with Larry david.

NBC has ruined its light night line up and ruined its loyalty, why should you give new things time to grow, the old is so much better! why should shows like community or chuck be given fair shots to grow and expand viewership, why should we care about the funny guy?

for as long as I shall have this blog, and I hope that that time is forever, I shall support you, conan O brien, wherever you may roam, long may you run, My ginger haired friend, Long.May.You.Run

Why I hate Johnny Depp and Tim Burton to the core.

2010-02-22T09:43:00.000-08:00

I Know what you're thinking "Kwanzaa, you're going to alienate your entire art school/hipster fanbase" good, if those fucks are reading this, they should've gotten the hint that I hate douchebaggery around post 2. Normally, I'm not this mad about stuff, Most of My hate for the most part, is positive, happy hate, it makes Me feel happy to hate certain things, and this is primarily because a lot of people I know also hate these things (douchebags, elitist nerds, and music snobs are among my most hated), but this is a rather unpopular stance, but dammit, blogging is a form of journalism, so I'm gonna bukkake you with my facts here, Holy shit on a shingle do I hate Tim Burton and Johnny depp, and you're gonna find out why in a minute.

Look how hip and rebellious these guys are! they don't dress like stupid conformists, no sir! I mean, arm tattoos? who has those? and who among you has the courage and balls to dress like a gay hip cowboy like Johnny is? or look like he just woke up and put a square ring on his finger like tim? or appear as though you bought these clothes used when in fact you just spend 250 dollars on ripped jeans, a falsely aged t-shirt and converses? or most importantly, look as though you don't know the words basic hygene. these men are a national treasure of coolness, they are the sole lighthouses in a grey sea of conformity nonuniqueness, the greatest director and actor of the past 20 years!

if you believe the above paragraph, kindly swallow a stick of dynamite, you emo faggot poser. do you not realize it is YOU who is the conformist? you are the one who does what is cool and popular, just not among so called "popular" people, you conform to other things. you soundly believe Tim Burton is the greatest director of the past 20 year s(of which your wrong, the top 3 are Michael Bay, Peter Jackson and Zach Snyder, tarantino is 4th, and we'll go through this list now: you know why Michael Bay is the best, Peter Jackson made the impossible possible with Lord of the rings, Zach Snyder has two kickass movies (watchmen and 300) under his belt, and you know tarantinos credentials, Pulp fiction, Inglourious basterds, kill bill etc). do you Know, Mister Hipster, where tim burton lies on this list? somewhere between Uwe Bole and the guys who keep making disaster/superhero/date movie, that is, in the "these guys are so bad I hope they get cancer" category.

now you're asking, Gecko, thats a bit harsh, Burton has changed fil. I kindly interrupt you there, good sir, tim burton has made, of nearly 20 films, 3 good ones. batman (its fucking BATMAN, it can't suck unless its batman begins or batman and robin) Batman Returns (see above) and Edward scissorhands (a genuinely touching movie). and when did he make all of these? 20 years ago, he is coasting on the fact that he made 3 pretty good movies 20 years ago, everything since then? dogshit

Nightmare before christmas you say? I say that that movie is awful for a variety of reasons 1. Jack Skellington is a toolbox 2. the animation is stupid (he only did stop motion to be unique, it would be fine as traditional cel animation, douche) and 3. you meet any animation/art student and ask them their favorite movie, quite a few will say Nightmare before christmas is in among their tops.

Burton also has this nasty habit of not knowing when things don't need to be remade. Ask Charlie and the chocolate factory, not the badass one with Gene wilder who basically spends most of the movie pissed off and angry, Mike teevee as a cowboy, violet beauregard as a blueberry, Augustus gloop dying of sugar OD, you know, the classic; I'd bet solid money that wonka was coked up and or drunk off his ass through most of it No, I'm talking the one with the fruity ass Johnny depp, who has things like a backstory, childhood pain, and acts like a freaky michael Jackson who almost certainly sticks his dick in the chocolate. yeah, think of that next time you eat a candy bar, someones dong taking a dip in your bar, sounds gross right? grosser than insect legs, dick chocolate. I don't CARE why wonka is the way he is, no one does, I just assumed he was a surly drunk most of the day, Maybe he's diabetic, which would be horribly ironic, being a candy icon, in fact, that makes so much sense, willy wonka was diabetic. Maybe I'm alone there. and don't get me started on that alice in wonderland movie he's making.

oh fuck, now i'm started, this is gonna end badly, I can guarantee it. first off, Johnny depp keeps looking freaky as shit, anne hathaway (normally really tappable and is known to be pro anal sex) looks like a goddamn freaky geisha. Helena Bonham carter (who can always, ALWAYS be found in a burton movie) is a shrunken midget. why did we need her around anymore? she's a hipster doofus. and 3-D? everyone knows the avatar is the only movie allowed to do 3-D, because it did UH-MAZINGLY.

anyway, onto depp. Johnny depp gets constant praise for taking Unique, cool roles. well guess what? EVERY role he takes is some crazy, supposedly funny weirdo. Jack Sparrow, the mad hatter, willie wonka, all basically the same artsy, uniquely weird person. Man, do I hate that. Say what you will about tom cruise, Brad Pitt, etc, at least those fuckers play different characters, ditto with George Clooney, but Johnny depp? no, far too content to play some crazy guy who is slightly off but he is a special person! a unique flower!

asshats.

I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but this is gonna be the best gecko post of all time!

2010-02-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

(for those of you over 50, thats a taylor swift joke)

if you are under the age of 25 surtely you know who the abovely pictured broad is, taylor swift, AKA That chick my girlfriend likes her music AKA, a candidate to be the future Mrs Gecko. first off, I'd like to state I do not Hate Her, amazing I know! I Hate everything, but I dig this chick, 3 reasons.

1. she's a good girl, ain't no panty shots or sex tapes (sadly for Me, good for the future girls of america for someone famous to look up to, doesn't drink, smoke, sing about sex, and most importantly, she's not lindsay lohan or paris hilton)

2. she's a fox, tall blonde and cute= total babe

3. she's waay too easy to make fun of in her videos

and that last one is pure gold in my book, she's an easy good target because in her music videos, she (and the guys in them) are almost comically stupid. and thats whats kicking off this brand new series: spoofing taylor swift videos, or as I'll call it, swiftly swinging at swifts sweet singing soppy songs: a miniseries

IN 3-D!!!!!1111

and today, we'll start where taylor herself started

IN 3-D!!!1111

(sorry, 3-d is big right now, I mean shit, you saw avatar right? shit was BALLIN, blue cats running around fighting people, hot damn was that a good movie, but I digress, avatar was filmed entirely....)

in 3-D!!11111

(I swear, thats the last one.... ok, one more time)

IN 3-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

Ok we done? good

anyhoo: where were we? right, the first video, lets roll the tape Jim!

wait, no preview video? you shitting Me? no little screen? I have to post the link? fucking blogspot, ok, here's the video link, go watch it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKCek6_dB0M (dammit, this really breaks up the flow of what was a very nice post, goddamn assfisters at blogspot/google, click the link and watch, fool).

anyway, what we got here is our first recurring theme in taylor swift videos: Oh this guy doesn't think I'm pretty! to which I respond with a sound, dudes gotta be blind or some shit. You, Taylor? you are quite an attractive young lady, not like say, this broad

Look at THAT landbeast, holy shit, I wouldn't fuck her with your dick, gentle reader. (quick sidenote: we're talking about the whale in the center, but the average midwestern girl is AT LEAST this fat) want another example? oh fuck and yes you want more ugly broads

look at THAT, Taylor, before you complain that no guys like you, because you look like...
this, you are attractive, hot, sexy even. but that is not the point, the point is you sing about how no guys want to go out with you, why is this? are you boring? do you have an odd odor to yourself? perhaps your really clingy? I don't know, I guess we'll have to watch more of your videos at a later time, since this is now a new running series: Taylor swift takedowns that are a subtle hint that I want to make her Mrs Gecko. or whatever the tag is below Me, I don't care either way, the point is, get ready, get set my readers, and lets go for More Mocking of a successful 20 year old girl to make ourselves feel better, you know you'll be back.

more encycbropedia brotannica!

2010-01-21T12:03:00.000-08:00

with the advent of some of the most wanton douchebaggery to ever be unleashed on tv (jersey shore) People have been clamoring for more encycbropedia, and I am a man of the people (as all great americans should be) so here you go, More Bro words ahoy!

Bropane:

Bropane is what brobeques are had on, on their bro cookers, it is how most food is broasted in a pan, using bropane. whats in bropane? most of the shit thats in propane, plus hairgel, bits of hair, axe body spray, Lil waynes tatoos and t-pains tophat, in other words, its powered by 100 percent DOUCHE. food cooked on bropane, no matter how good the food, will taste identical to sadness and the tears of indians, its fucking depressing seeing a bro try and cook (notice that I said try, most of these fuckers end up self immolating (thats a big way to say set themselves on fire immolating sounds far cooler) man, do I always over use parenthesises this must, by the way, parenthesis is just a parent thesis, fucking blows my mind, its a compound word, its the thesis that tells your thesis what to do, a parenthesis)

I got off track again didn't I? ah fuck, sorry reader, now I'm just gonna see how much of your time I can waste, go on, keep reading this. I dare you not to, if you stop, Jay Leno will replace you reading this and bump your reading this a half hour.

anyway, bropane is fucking vile, it doesn't burn normal person's skin, it only burns if your skin is orange, so it doesn't kill anyone important.

Brokemon:

anyone whose anyone likes Pokemon, its cool, its badass, its got winners all over the place, so naturally, bros like pokemon, but not cool pokemon. how to spot a bro owner of pokemon red blue or yellow:

1. He chooses Bulbasaur, Bulbasaur is solid, Imma let him finish, but he's the biggest loser between squirtle him and charmander, squirtle evolves in blastoise, do you need a blastoise picture?

HE'S GOT CANNONS ON HIS BACK! WHAT.A.CHAMP.

of course, blastoise falls in comparison to the pokegod, probably my favorite starter, thats right bitches, its MOTHERFUCKING CHARIZARD

look at charizard. JUST LOOK AT HIM! tail on fire? check, badassery? check. wings? check charizard is a BOSS

venusaur? Venusaur's aiight, He's funny, easy to make penile jokes (PENISAUR! Get it?! or better, penis whore! bam! two dick jokes like that! or my favorite feelawhore! its like an invitation to fondle!) Grass types generally suck

2. He catches a fucking raticate, everyone hates raticate, its just a fact, jack. raticate SUCKS

3. He prefers vaporeon, easily the worst eevee form (eevee needs less E's, I'm not sure if its one e or two in the front, correct me in the comments)

4.He likes dragonite, AKA the big orange retard of pokemon.

5. his party consists of venusaur, vaporeon, raticate, Dragonite, Hitmonlee and omastar (all losers)

6. He doesn't use the rare candy glitch/wastes his master ball.

I believe thats all we need on brokemon. what? what pokemon do I use? sure, I'll tell ya
Charizard, Mewtwo, Mew, Lapras, zapdos and whatever the fuck pleases Me that moment, its what you can do when you have all 151, assfister.

Bropera:

Bropera is what bros like to listen to. what consists of bropera? shit music autotuned, douche rock, etc. whats shit music? well, Lil wayne, He's easily the first to go. Evanescence, and that is entirely biased because of a raging hateon I have for amy lee, holy fuck do I hate amy lee, i have for many years, and will continue to. why you ask? She's a fame whore attention grabbing slut, here, read this

She has stated on a number of occasions that she would never flash her breasts or engage in other publicity stunts that would draw attention to herself. In fact, in the music video for "Everybody's Fool", she aimed to mock such artists by suggesting that celebrities who use sex to appeal to an audience are, in fact, merely peddling "lies" (the unifying theme of the music video). Many fans praise Lee for her refusal to emulate other celebrities by using sex appeal in her music (thanks wiki)

well, if you don't wanna engage in publicity stunts, DON'T SAY DOUCHEY SHIT LIKE THAT. DON'T SAY SHIT THAT IN TURN, BRINGS ATTENTION TO YOU,.HOLY SHIT ARE YOU A HYPOCRITE, YOU LYING UGLY CUNT. YOU KNOW WHY YOU DON'T USE SEX APPEAL? NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK YOU, YOU TWO BIT TWILIGHT WHORE, HOLY FUCK AM I PISSED OFF NOW, VERY FEW THINGS ANGER ME LIKE IDIOTS.

here's another one

"In 2004, Lee claimed to be working on music for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but that the music was rejected by the studio for being "too dark and epic." (once again, thanks wiki)

you're not dark, you are the polar opposite of epic, holy shit on a shingle, do I want to hit her with a monster truck, she's a lady douche at its finest. she's convinced she is artsy, unique, a special flower amidst the rubble of society, your not. your an ugly goth chick who got lucky to be famous who is a mouthy twat, you hate on slash? you get some hate back, Slash is THE MAN. he's like a british josh homme who helped write appetite for destruction, easily one of the 10 best rock albums ever made.you, Amy lee, are a talentless, ugly, vagina dentata having useless waste of carbon atoms and valuable oxygen and resources, I hope sincerely you are sterile so you do not breed ugly pompous children who I turn will have to pummel to death with a sack full of valencia oranges or nickels. no, definitely nickels, that would satisfy me to no end almost to the point my hate would die down to almost non existance, anyone whose read any other entries of this would know, that that takes a fuckload of hate satisfaction.

anyway, other people who are in bropera: T-pain, Kanye (great musician, but his wanton douchebaggery lands him here), Phoenix, the fireflies guy (he looks like bo burnham), Post Slash Guns N Roses, devil wears prada, green day,

there we go, 3 new bro words, until next time.

Shit that I'd like to see in the new year

2009-12-31T16:48:00.000-08:00

as I write this, on the US east coast, the year 2009 is drawing to a close, a great year, a lofty year . this year has seen a lot of win, what with cap'n sully, Josh Homme, Michael bay and kickass tv, but my god has there been lose. so here is my definitive list of shit I'd like to see in the new year.

1. the cast of jersey shore sent to an island with no spray tan or hair gel, to slowly burn to death

2. for Lebron james to make the right choice, go to the nets, and kick ass for the rest of time with devin harris, brook lopez, and CDR

3.things I never saw coming (enjoying Jimmy fallon on his late night is the big one) to come, this year? Maybe I'll listen to rise against, just kidding, I'm not a gay straight edge vegan cocksucking loser.

4.jetpacks, those'd be sweet, Jetpacks are AWESOME, raise your hand if you don't like jetpacks? you there! come to the front so I may remove all your teeth with a swing of My fist, you commie bastard.

5. for tv to keep on rolling out kickass shows

6. for the last season of lost to not blow, this is important people.

7.Iron man 2 to kick some serious ass, additionally, for Scarlett Johannson in Iron Man 2 to get at least wet enough to warrant a wet t-shirt contest, and at most have sex with herself on screen. not asking for much

8. Queens of the Stone Age to release a new album, same with the strokes

9. more animals in clothes, please, ditto for animals playing instruments or being massaged

10. spencer pratt to be killed in a horrific single car crash that involves him slowly painfully dying

11. Carrie prejean to do porn, with Me starring in it

12. Hilarious political stories we can use as jokes

13. Jon and Kate to shut up

14.oh, before I add to the list, have to tell you guys, I too had sex with tiger woods, hot crazy ambein fueled sex, in case your wondering, he's asian down south, sorry ladies

15. for tigers wife, the swedish bikini model, to come to my house for a shoulder to cry on/ a dong to fondle

16.for this blog to stay consistently awesome and funny

17. for 2010 to kick more ass than 2009, probably the best year of my life, good luck, goodspeed, and see you motherfuckers later

the Kwanzaa gecko badass stuff of the year

2009-12-05T17:12:00.000-08:00

now, we are nearing the end of this year 2009 (disregard that year if you use the jewish or chinese calenders, you crazy), which means all the magazines and tv shows are rolling out their annual awards, people, show, album, worst and best. Well, as much as i love saying things suck (and trust Me, hating makes me hard enough to take batting practice) so you should know how much it pains me to congradulate some motherfuckers for a bang up job they have done.

unlike every award show ever, lets start shit off right with the big ones you care about, Man, album, Movie of the year.

Man of the Year: Cap'n sully.

if you dont want to vote cap'n sully for man of the year, congradulations, your more of a dick than the trinity killer on dexter. what qualifies cap'n sully? for one, He's got a good stashe, for two, he saved 155 lives, which is more than obama and any other political cocksniffer has done all year. We are talking about a man, a myth a legend, what would you have done? I know for a fact I would've been freaking out if My plane went down, but not cap'n sully, He's like Rosie O'donnels genitals (in a good way): cold, untouched by man, feared by all, and no ones sure what they are, but you know you don't wanna meet them in a street fight, also, It feeds solely on women and virgins. We should elect cap'n sully for god next year, and considering Josh Homme AND Michael Bay both having bukkakes of badassery this year (both of which we'll get to later). the point is cap'n sully did what no one else did this year, be a total american, he fought for his rights as a pilot. here, just to show, Picture of sully

Cap'n Sully, not pictured? your sister sucking him Like she's a hoover on your carpet.

Look at that picture of cap'n sully. STUDY THAT SHIT LIKE ITS YOUR FINAL EXAM BITCH. He's got everything a kickass guy needs, good pose, sweet uniform, Mustashe, watch that can probably call zordon whenever he wants to summon the dragonzord and thus, fuck your shit up, badges of honor, and an all around american. Cap'n sully will win from now until the rest of time. Runners up include Neil Patrick Harris for being a champ on How I met your Mother, Don draper for being don motherfucking draper, and Michael Bay.

Album of the year: TIE!

thats right bitches, its a tie, this has been by far the hardest choice of all my votes, because two UH-MAZING albums came out this year.

in thiis cooorner, weighing in at 8 kickass songs, is the mastodon album, craaaaaaack the skyeeeee by mastodoooooooonnn

We've gone over before why crack the skye is one of the best albums ever, but to recap. extremely metal, vaguely resembles Metallica Master of puppets era (quick side joke for Kalu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT RESEMBLES METALLICA? IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?!, oh Dave Mustaine, if you could sing Megadeth would be legendary instead of simply mildly epic). Killer guitars and drums, and all the guys in mastodon look like they could be vikings circa 960 AD, raiding fucking and drinking. go on, look them up, I'll wait.

go on, this blog isn't going nowhere, I have all the time in the world.

you done? really? I doubt it, go do it again, I SAID DO IT FAGGOT, DO IT OR I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE YOU BEAT YOUR GODDAMN DICK, YOU LITTLE UNGRATEFUL TWATTANGOER.

there, are you done? do you not agree?

and in thiiis corner, weighing in at a hefty hefty 13 songs, the album THEM CROOKED VULLLTUUUURRRESS by the artist of the same name.

now, this is nothing against TCV, who are them crooked vultures? Josh Homme (who you might now as Ginger jesus, My favorite Musician and the current reigning god of rock) on vocals/guitar, Dave Grohl (known as primarily the guy in the foo fighters who everyone knows, kyle orton impersonator, drummer for nirvana, drummed for Queens of the stone age on the greatest album of the decade, the Thor to Hommes Odin , still a badass god and one you don't wanna fuck with, but Odin is the baddest of the bad) and finally, John Paul Jones on Bass (Led zeppelins bassist/all around guy, the best bassist to ever live.period) when news this band formed in late august, I nearly came in delight, the album drops, its just like you would imagine, all 3 guys just kicking back, eating turkey legs, drinking Jim bean from the bottle and punchfucking barely legal pussy, all in all, its such a kickass album its goddamn rediculous, but what would you expect out of 3 legends of rock? for Mastodon to achieve this level of success to match them is amazing, but sadly, it is a tie.

Movie of the year: Transformer 2: revenge of the fallen

I know I know "It wasn't as good as the first one! robot heaven was gay!" to be better than transformers 1 is like trying to be more awesome than Josh Homme, More Lose than Spencer Pratt and more, or have more candy than the cool houses at halloween who give out big candy, its just not done, people. Transformers 1 is the single greatest movie of all time, OF ALL TIME! here, lets have a quick rundown of whats in transformers 1.

Gratuititous fighting? Check

Tools getting pwned? check

dick jokes and hilarious masturbation references? check

too many hot girls? check

hot girl with a nose piercing? check

Hot australian girl with a nose piercing? check

Megan fox in various states of undress and dirty/sweaty? check

more explosions than at los almos 1945? check

Robots punching each other for no reason? check

annoying friend who is ditched after 15 minutes? check

dangerous amounts of kick ass and a heroic ending? check

Jon voight still pissed off he raised a stupid fatheaded twat of a daughter, who at the same time is SMOKIN hot? check

tell Me thats not a movie you don't wanna see, you already HAVE seen it, its called transformers 1. Transformers 2 has most of these as well (the annoying friend sticks around too long and looks like mark sanchez, the hot australian girl is replaced by a hot robot girl who I am not sure of her ethnicity) but it also adds robot testicles, parents getting high and making fools of themselves, Megan fox in leather (HOO RAH), old robots complaining, legs getting humped, OPTIMUS PRIME FUCKING DYING. it is the 2nd or 3rd best movie of the decade (depending where you put the Lord of the rings trilogy as a whole) so it only makes sense that transformers two wins Movie of the year, enjoy your golden gecko, Michael Bay.

and now, good tidings

Merry christmas to all who read this, I hope everyone has a kickass holiday, for those who I won't get to see during this christmas season, my best wishes to you all, since I don't do christmas cards. so Merry christmas to the gang, you know who you are, my cousins, and anyone who reads this who I can't see.

I wish you, yes, you, my reader, a merry christmas, and a happy new year, here's hoping 2010 sucks less.

Just a quickie (Warning! this isn't your typical silly post)

2009-11-11T10:32:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer:

I know all 6 of you usually come for the laughs and stay for the explosions, but this is not that day, this is a serious goddamn post, so stick around

today is november 11th, veterans day. Normally I don't post this sort of "oh sappy holiday" bull, but veterans day is special, its unique. It is a truly american holiday, where we celebrate the truly important americans, not our congressmen, not our senators, not our presidents, not our supreme court justices, not our politicans, our writers, our demonstrators, No. Today is about soldiers, the people who have fought and died for us. They died for my right to write about dipshit parents and make jokes, they died so you can read this, they died so we could all live in a better, freer place, a place were Nicole ritchie is famous and good charlotte is liked, but a place were we have truly great people too, all of which would be for naught without our soldiers. so to any vets or current soldiers reading this, may God be with you today and every day, and I leave you with a comment I found on Kissing suzy kolber, one of the best blogs on earth, about today.

WHAT IS A VET

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar,a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pinholding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg – or perhaps another sortof inner steel: the soul’s ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can’t tell a vet just by looking.

what is a vet?

He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallonsa day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn’t run out of fuel

He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hoursof exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.

She or he—is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing everynight for two solid years in Da Nang.

He is the POW who went away one person and came back another—or didn’t come back AT ALL.

He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat—but has savedcountless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members intoMarines, and teaching them to watch each other’s backs.

He is the parade—riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with aprosthetic hand.

He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.

He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence atthe Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all theanonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean’s sunless deep.

He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket—palsied now andaggravatingly slow—who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all daylong that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being—a person who offered some of his life’s most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificedhis ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothingmore than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nationever known.

So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That’s all most people need, and in most cases it will meanmore than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.

Two little words that mean a lot, “THANK YOU.”

Lastly, a quote

“It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. Itis the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is thesoldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.”

Father Dennis Edward O’Brien, USMC

(no credit goes to me for any of the above except the parts I wrote credit to orton hears an oot in the KSK comments secrtion for getting it from footballguys.com)

thank you, and god bless

Underrated shit in life

2009-11-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

too often in life, things are underrated, one of my best friends once said "the three most underrated things in the world are cereal, sitting and flat ground" 2 outta 3 aint' bad (cereal's aiight at best), so Naturally kev, I have to top your ass.

ready bitches?

thing 1: good water fountains

lets paint this picture, your jogging through the park on a mildly hot day, lets say its 85 degrees fahrenheit (the only REAL system of tempreture, I'm looking at you, centigrade), decent humidity, and your sweating your balls off, which is odd, since your nuts are stuck to your taint by now, you forgot your water bottle at home, you are fucking dying of thirst like your a starving african boy, and then! salvation! a water fountain! tall glorious, covered in stone, its like the things dick but instead of clobbering times, it dispenses water! oh water! you run, hit that button and BANG! its warm, disgusting, its like your at R. Kellys house and your a 15 year old girl, its that uncomfortable warm where it tastes vaguely like piss and it is hardly refreshing.

go on, replace that with anything, a walk in school and you hit that warm fountain, it is disgusting and awful. worse yet is when the fountain is at a drinkable tempreture, but it shoots so damn low its like drinking from a goddamn stream, plus now theres a possibility you got chlymidia, and that will make you a real drag to hang out with, no one likes STDs anymore than they like Jon Gosselin or Kids Named Jackson, my god, now my blood is boiling. so what defines a good water fountain then? well, it has to shoot high, high enough I can bend down to drink it at a reasonable spot. It has to be cold, I like my water fountains roughly. 3 degrees above freezing, I drink them for fucking HOURS and am happy, holy shit, do I love that feeling, the feeling of ice cold pain on your teeth, it burns so good and I am refreshed as shit afterwards, oh, theres my erection popping up again, oh, there goes the roof as a result.

anyway, point I'm trying to make is you never appreciate that good cold water fountains, NEVER, Even I take these holy sacraments for granted.

Thing 2: Peace and goddamn quiet

who doesn't like peace and motherfucking quiet? terrorists, thats who. There are many benefits of being at community college (kickass water fountains and hot domb girls are at the top) but the big downside? Lotsa dumb people. I mean A LOT of dumb people. I mean more dumb people than at your average sorority/fraternity mixer. I am talking a whole shitload of dumb people. now I don't mind dumb people, some of my best friends (read: My brother) are dumb people. I just realized that dumb people lined up at the end of the last three lines. isn't that weird? fuckin look at that, thats gotta be a secret message, I'll send this post to dan brown so he can da vinci code that shit and I can make millions, no BILLIONS! then I shall be rich! Ha! Ha!

were the hell was I? oh right, dumb people

anyway, lots of dumb people can succeed (President Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Hilary clinton, the entire cast of twilight) but nothing, NOTHING irks me like loud motherfuckers. were I spend a majority of my time at school, the library, has recently been taken over by loud people. its a library motherfuckers, not a chatatorium, my god, do these People anger me, hogging all the computers and seats and being general bags of shit. on their cell phones, yelling to each other across the room, its a wonder I have stopped talking/caring in school (kidding, I love school), but my god, when I get home nothing makes me happier than peace and fucking quiet, who likes working in loudass environments? no one, thats who. its fucking annoying to try and let your top flight humor flow when you can hear motherfuckers talking about how ghettoliscious they are, makes me want to fucking remove some eyeballs with a melon baller.

Thursdays

people will tell you friday is the best day of the week, or saturday. these people couldn't be more wrong, thursday is the goddamn best day of the week, and its not close. Want Proof? first, friday is a throwaway day in your work or school week, no one cares on friday. second, decent people go out on thursday nights, nothing but dipshits go out on fridays and chill, brah. or slutty dirty people like the olson twins or your Mom. thirdly, football is played on thursday, both good pro and good college, is football played on friday, gay high school football excepted? I do believe a no has to be checked in that box, don't you friend? Is the best TV of the goddamn week on fridays? the only thing on fridays Is Degrassi, and thats been going downhill since they stabbed JT and let him die in a puddle of another mans pee. Is the best TV on thursdays? fuck and yes it is. Community, The Office, 30 Rock, Always sunny and the league? fuck to the yiz-es, it is. I believe without a doubt thursday is the best day of the week, it has everything lofty days should have, opportunities to drink, kickass tv and football is all you need to have a good fucking day.

and now, a kwanzaa gecko special announcement!

Happy thanksgiving, I just fooled you into thinking i had something important to say, and welcome back to all my homies from summer, god damn I missed you fuckers more than words or pubic hair currency can express, so yeah, welcome back

Oh fuck, another kid named Jayden! how to properly name your child

2009-10-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

this sort of goes hand in hand with the "dipshit parents raise dipshit kids" Philosophy, but is it just me, or have normal, non batshit names gone out the window in favor of shit that isn't a name? heres a list some of the top boys names of 2008

Aiden, Kayden, Jaden, Jackson, Logan, Tyler, Taylor, Carson, Carter

notice a trend? all of these names are dipshits. you name your son kayden? congrats, your contributing to the growing population of bros, that kid will grow up and love lacrosse, hate laughter, enjoy the music of good charlotte, and hate all things wonderful and good. so then, for you, the average reader, what should I name my kid so he doesn't grow up to be the kind of person who warrants a mallet to the kidneys? oh thats easy.

you go simple, badass names

Names like Michael, Paul, Nicholas, Phillip, Andrew, simple names, no funny spellings, no phillip with an F, no Nikolas, spell it right, motherfuckers. or if your feeling badass, rock a cool foreign name like Sven, or Axel, shit, if you name your son axel, theres a 100 percent chance that he will grow up to be one of these things:

1. lumberjack

2. Metal guitarist

3. a badass lumberjack metal guitarist

ain't no fags named axel, its just the rules people. if you name your son a black name and your white, anything starting with ja and then a name, jamarcus, Jamatthew, I've seen some jermichaels, or in girls cases, la, lakeisha, latoya, lavender, then you are naming your son wrong (read: if your a halfie half, you can name your kid a ja or a la, but I don't want to see white kids with extremely black names). now of course, you may be asking, oh wise kwanzaa gecko, what shall you name your kid? simple, bitch, an easy name

if its a boy:

after Me or the old man, or my grandpa, alternatively, Lincoln or Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. if all those fail, then a solid name like George or Malcolm

if its a girl:

fuck, I had a girl? I'm giving it back, I want a mulligan. I can't? fuck, I guess whatever Mrs Gecko wants in that case, but if I have to choose, after my grandma would be good.

by the way, do you know what sucks? when it feels like you have inhaled fucking iron scraps into your lungs so your coughs are loud and violent, sort of like your mom in bed, holy fuck, do I hate this, I have been fighting a cold for the past 2 weeks or so, fading in and out, it is fucking HELL. God damn, am I pissed, my lungs fucking ACHE, its a horrible horrible world populated exclusively by me, its like I'm trapped on an island, but instead of an island, its a blood curdling cough that makes me wonder if I am dying slowly of lung rot, and man, I wish I had more to rant about, sadly I do not, so I am going to go fucking shoot my lungs and steal michael phelps' so I can breathe like a fucking champ.

American Heroes and how to be an american

2009-09-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

ok, do I have to do this opening? I'm a fucking STAR now, everyone knows this! I don't DO opening, send out jimenez to do it, I am going to sit in my trailer and masturbate furiously to playboy playmates, thank you very much.

what?

I'm not a star?

and I just did my opening anyway (heh heh, did your moms opening) shut up, inner voice!

whats my topic? america? I can dig that like I'm an 1850's california gold miner. BAM! History puns!

some great americans:

1. George Motherfucking washington

to NOT have George Motherfucking washington on a list of great americans is like having a list of the most lose people on earth and forgetting the french, its ri-fuckingdiculous, and you should be hit with rocks for being that dumb. why is George motherfucking washington american? do I have to answer that? DO I? fine, I will

1. flew on a dragon to fight the british, EVERYONE KNOWS THIS

2. only man ever (EVER) to beat the british empire. Yep, no one else beat em, germany? ass beatings from britain? france? france can't beat anyone. Spain? I'm pretty sure they don't fight. nope, only George MOTHERFUCKING washington has ever beaten the brits, shit, he even beat em near the top of their power, he and his generals (but most of those guys aren't awesome)

3. first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, Washington was a general asskicker. do you know who fucked with washington from 1775 till he died? fuckin no one, thats who bitch. Washingtons semen inpregnated lady liberty, and out popped afuckingmerica. He is the father of america, and to not have george MOTHERFUCKING washington on this list is sad, and he's #1.

Person 2: Michael bay

oh, do I really have to? go read the michael bay article, He's like washingtons son, bitch.

Person 3: George Herman "Babe" Ruth

Babe ruth is to sports what washington is to freedom and liberty, in that both are the fathers of both, oh sure, the ideas and stuff existed before them, but who was the one to put them into practice? Babe ruth, thats who. Babe ruth was the ideal fucking american. He ate like a champ, drank like a boss, he was the king of fuck mountain, and he smoked cigars regularly. nowadays, a guy like that would be torn apart in the modern media as a bad influence, but the babe loved kids, not like Michael Jackson, Babe ruth created little league. Betcha didn't know that, didja? see, I'm capable of whipping out my facticles and plopping them down on the table for you to admire their sheer size weight and hairyness, not just easy tit jokes or nut butter puns here, nope, I got facts, bitch, so see my facticles? all laid out nicely on the table? suck it

THATS RIGHT BITCH, SUCK MY FACTS LIKE THEY WERE CANDY!!!!

oh, back to ruth.

Yeah, He created sports because he also helped create the best time in sports history, the new york motherfucking yankees, who have won more than I have and over a longer stretch of time.

now, how does one aquire the title, American? Americsan is the ultimate title, for lock of a better word, it sums up everything that is great, awesome, win, tits and kickass, to be called an american is a few steps below being god, but quite a few above victory master.

so do you become an american?

1. you must love america (obvious)

2. no really, you gotta love america

3. I'm not shitting you, you gotta love it more than you do fucking anything

4. you have to own at least 1 american flag and at least article of clothing with the american flag on it

5. can you sing the star spangled banner? good

6. America is fucking flawless, because I said so.

Nerds need to be pummelled, just some though, and the Kwanzaa gecko Hatestitution

2009-09-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

ok, I am a bit of a nerd, let me be straight up real straight up with you guys, I love star wars, lord of the rings, Lost and some (SOME) anime, I have my dorky side, but don't we all? but something recently has come to my attention:

way too many of these fat fucks of basement dwellers need to get lives.

Now we've all heard this rant (MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOMS BASEMENT YOU FAT FUCKS) but over the past 10 years, with stuff like cheap cable modems, youtubes rise and the fact that deviantart is around are all major factors in this rise to fatosity. Now, lots of these basement nerds need a swift kick in the ass, because do you know what I never hear out of them? positivity. let me give you some examples

Watchmen:

anyone who saw watchmen can tell you, it was a lofty movie, had everything you could want, great cinematography, tits, explosions, flamethrowers, glowing blue dong, fucking everything. but what do the dork mafia say? wah wah, it should be a mini series, Zach snyder is ruining MY happiness, MY dreams, How dare he! to you, I kindly say, fuck yourselves with a curling iron. Zach Snyder and the rest of them do not exist to please you, you fat fuck, he exists to make absolutely Baysian (Michael Bay like) movies for the masses, featuring explosions fighting and sex. grow up! you and your message board strokebuddies don't count as "the majority".

Animefags:

do I really have to do this? I mean, come on, this is like shooting fish in a barrell...with a shotgun...that shoots bombs... Do I have to point out the obvious here? Animefags have more whine in them than the french and a southern california vineyard. "waaah, my favorite anime IS NOT FOR KIDS, IT IS A FUCKING SERIOUS.GODDAMN.SHOW" bro, in Japan, a lot of them are meant for kids. Now, I'm not gonna be that guy who says "anime sux lolroffle" cause anime does not suck. there is some generally badass anime out there, Dragonball Z, Yu Yu Hakusho, Naruto, all of these animes feature gratuitious fighting and plenty of explosions, Sailor moon has tits and short skirts for my pervy side, and Trigun is just fucking awesome. but the people who like anime, the ones who complain about "how america is RUINING it, they are butchering it" Die.now. You are a waste of my precious oxygen and food supply (not that they eat more than cheetos and mountain dew anyway). No one cares about your online petition, fag, to get uncut subbed episodes of fushugi I dunno, lets say sam, on DVD so you can spend Mommys Money on it, grow up, stop buying anime figurines and eating pocky, you smelly unshaven weirdo, and being a general drain on society, you're fat and nobody likes you, my god, my hate for you is almost as bad as my Hate for bros.

speaking of hate, Many have asked Me "Kwanzaa gecko, you are amazing, but why all the hate? and why only to bros" simple, Hating is who I am, thus, the hatestitution was born. whats a hatestitution? its a hate constitution, my rules of hating shit, here we go bitches, sign the hatestitution.

rule Uno: compound swear words are the best swear words (fucksucker, douchesmuggler, shitstraddler)

rule the 2nd: Hating is natural, don't listen to what people say when Hating is bad, Hating is amazing, provided you channel it right (IE, don't kill anyone)

rule numero three: no one is spared in hate, Bros, Nerds, blacks, whites, crippled people, all have reasons to want them covered in tar and dragged behind a car on a gravel road.

Part quatro, son: Hating everything and everyone doesn't make you rascist, sexist, elitist, it makes you a hater.

cinco: Hating is trolling, trolling is hating

I don't have a funny word for six: all of the above must be followed

seven, one of eleven:if someone cries as a result of hating, its their fault for being bitches and not being able to take your hate.

ocho: 95 percent of people and things deserve more hate.

Numbah neun, numbah neun, numbah neun: Hate boners are the best kind of boners

10: this is the last part of the hatestitution (heh, tits)

a definitive list of the 5 biggest Winners in Television History

2009-08-27T05:52:00.000-07:00

I am going to come clean: I fucking Love TV, it might be the best thing to come to planet earth since the galactic lord xenu came and bombed the volcanos with Hydrogen Bonds (Just kidding, Scientology is bullshit). but TV is full of Champs, from the lowest to the highest, well today, Gecklets, I am going to give a definitive list of TV's Biggest, baddest Sonsabitches in no particular order.

5. Dexter Morgan:

first and foremost, Look at dexter motherfucking Morgan. swell cat, Forensic Scientist working for the Miami PD solving Murders, Porking Hot single Mothers, oh, and he's a fucking serial killer . Normally, serial Killers are smelly weirdos who either pop a serious stiffy from killing, or eat their victims, or if they're jeffery Dahmer, both. Dexter Morgan? Nah son, Dexter abides by a fucking killing code, He only kills Murderers who have evaded Justice, like a fucking Bounty Hunter. He Killed His Brother who looks nothing like him because he tried to murder his (adopted) sister. He also is a fucking genius, evading capture like I evade Fall out boys music. what Makes Dexter a total pimp? well, his girlfriends hot as shit, he doesn't give a fuck who he kills, provided they killed before, Women, Men, old people, children, white, black, Dexter Morgan is an equal oppritunity badass.

4. the entire fucking bluth family:

to say I love Arrested Development is an understatement. If Arrested Development were a woman, she'd be my super hot, super down to earth wife who cooked like Alton Brown and cleaned like a fucking boss who'd always have cold beer and warm pussy. In short, Arrested Development is fucking PERFECT, it is the best TV show ever, if only on the principle that there are no bad episodes of it, all the episodes are side splittingly hilarious. To pick one AD characcer out of this victorious line up is near impossible, so the solid choice is the entire fucking bluth family, which is a total cop out, but fuck you in the toes on this one. You Got Jason Bateman as one of the best straight men in comedy history, managing to be totally dickish and the only sane one. Michael cera before he was the annoying hipster awkward kid being a funny awkward kid who wants to pork his cousin. Will Arnett as GOB, and nothing more needs to be said about that since I don't want to ruin the joy that is GOB. David Cross as Portia Del Rossis Ambiguously sexual Husband (at best), and Buster whose name I can't remember as an awkward Mamas boy in his 30s's, Alia Shakwat as Tobias and Lindsays Daughter, and she is kind of not funny, but still manages to kick ass. sorry, let me put away my raging ADrection, because you have to watch this fucking show to realise that all the bluths are badass motherfuckers.

3. Don Draper:

Before I start this, let me be clear: Don Draper is everything a Man should be. 3 piece suit? check. Scotch drinker? Check. Having sex with various ho's, ranging from beatnik weirdos to rich spanish girls and all in between? check. Devoted family man? hoo boy, check. Don Draper is a fucking pimp. Look at him! the Main Character of the fantastic Mad Men (which I would put as another ensamble thing, but I don't like Peggy enough, though Pete and Roger and Joan are all epic in their own way), Draper suffers from a bit of an identity crisis, I won't spoil anything because that wouldn't be cool, but Don Draper is a total fucking champ. He is a complex man, a cheater who loves His wife (you would too, January Jones is fucking fine), he loves his children enough to not hang out with them, he wears a fedora and a duster, and smokes like a champ (sadly, not cigars, or else He might top my list of badasses in history, period). He sticks up for women when he has to, He deals with his shit, but doesn't gossip like the guys at work, but is more than capable of ruling not only your shit, but your sisters and your cousins shit as well just by being that amazing at life, the universe and everything. I reaaally want to spoil what goes down, but that isn't fun, go watch mad men, fool.

4. (tie) Desmond hume, Ben Linus, John Locke

(sorry for the funny formatting, its a bitch to get them in a row like ducks)

now why are these 3 men badasses? Desmond for one, Has more flashes than a woman in menopause, and your never quite sure whether desmond is flashing back, flashing forward, flashing sideways, appearing on another show, plus he is a crazed drinking scotsman who is in love with a hot british girl, has a son, and eludes death like a fucking warrior, oh, and he calls everyone he meets brutha, threatens a bald britishman, and has the single most tear jerker moment in all of Lost. Ben Linus is a total winner, who can do things such as summon the fucking smoke monster of the island, know all your islands secrets, get your leader deported, kill both his parents on his birthday (his mom in childbirth, so it kinda counts), go into the jungle and meet crazy people and get shot by sayid (another epic winner), oh and the ending to the shape of things to come is fucking amazing, and its all Ben Ben Ben, He will impersonate a Black Man, get his shit rocked, and he is always in fucking control of everything. Locke? Locke is the guy who goes hunting for the mystery, always is at the center of shit, and He is a total badass throughout, whether using a throwing knife to kill a british woman, hunting boar, discovering hatches or demanding Ben tell him some secrets, Locke always seems to be doin something cool and fucking shit up, be it an underground base or a submarine.

5. Joel McHale

Joel McHale Hosts the best show on TV right now in terms of making me laugh my ass off, the soup. whats on the soup? simply: its a clip show, normally fail, but mchale makes it work. How? He's totally a dick to those who have it coming. black girls on maury? mocked. little fat kids who claim bacon is good for them? hopes ruined. Tyra banks fat jokes? more than you can handle, pussy. Joel McHale, for lack of a better word, is the worlds first televised troll, he gets 30 minutes a week to ruin your shit with hilarity. whether its skanks, shows about toy trains or remarks about men in their basement playing with their organs, Joel McHale is there with a dickish remark and a pimps smile. He is quite literally, everything right with tv.

a variety of encycbropedia brotannica entriettes

2009-08-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

I know I know "Kwanzaa Gecko, since you took a siesta, my life has lacked meaning, a communist bro moved in next door and he hates michael bay, what do I do to prevent myself from finishing my pathetic existance?" oh simple, Brian, I got some brand spanking new ENYCBROPEDIA BROTANNICA entries, fresh off the presses!

Brotein:

Brotein is a noun, and it is what all bros need to survive, without absorbing enough brotein in the day, a bros hair will turn normal, his skin to a color that doesn't resemble fruit, he will become a functional member of society, he will also change his name from chad to something that doesn't give me an urge to poison his food so his kidneys shut down. where can brotein be found you ask? well, little child, it is hard. Brotein can be absorbed in the scalp (Hairgel and other bros semen is a common way to get brotein from the head to the brain, which is bathing in douche juice) or brotein is the secret ingredient in monster energy drinks, it can also be found in natty beer and in 90 percent of the food in boston and Los angeles. a regular cool cat, after absorbing enough brotein, turns into a bro. Brotein is also the main scent in axe body spray.

Broasting:

Broasting is the main way bros prefer their food prepared (note I say prepared, as bros are too stupid to cook without setting themselves or their cornholing buddies into shishkabrobs, which is a group of grilled bros impaled on a stake). Broasting a food takes out all the happiness, joy and tastiness in it, similar to a process done when you go to a vegitarian resturant and order chilli, and instead replaces it with lose, sadness and the tears of children, all of which taste vaguely like unwashed buttcheeks, i mean, have you ever had a veggie burger? holy shit on toast, that is just pure sadness in food form, it doesn't even taste like anything but ground up veggies in a patty, its fucking rabbit food and it disgusts me as a red-blooded hetero american male that we allow this injustice, these fuckers deserve to all go suffer through leprosy of the anus. anyway, broasting is vile, and all the food tastes like pure shit when it is broasted.

Brophecy:

a Brophecy is a prediction made by a bro wizard, which sadly I need to think of a clever term for. unlike regular prophechies, which usually involve epic ninjas fighting and a 600 percent chance of big tits raining from the sky while Josh Homme porks your Mom and viking metal playing with at least 200 fires and 300 bolts of lightning raining down, a Brophecy is totally gay. think of the gayest thing you've ever heard, maybe someone goes on a rant about how you duel a friend and take out the clip of the gun, maybe its a fire tornado fighting a hurricane, maybe its just accidentally listening to hardcore french fisting gay porn, and times it by 9000, you have what happens in a brophecy, let me demonstrate:

Bro 1: Oh great wise Bro Chad

Chad: sup brah, you want some brotein shakes? we can sit back and listen to jack johnson brah, what do you want? I have to go yell at my girlfriend for being too feminine for Me, Brah.

Bro 1: How much Natty can I consume at the bro faila losa cookout tonight?

Chad: 20 brah, lest you drink too much and die brah.

there, thats a brophecy.

Brohio:

Brohio is the eden of bros, where all bros come from, where bro adam and chad first hung out and got their bro on. the capital of brohio is new brorleans (pronounced brohr-leans), and among its provinces are aribrona (home of douchey southern bros), Broklahoma (weirdo western bros who dress like cowboys) Bronnecticut (WASP bros who all go to HAWLY FACKIN CRAWS) and Bronolulu (really western sufer bros who do ecstasy, the douchiest and most useless of all drugs). each province has its own uniqueness, which I will go into in a later entry. All Bros eventually make the Pilgrimage back to Brohio and have a brong there which can last for an eternity.

since summer is ending, I'd like to say something poignant/gay:

thanks to funk, K-man, chris, rob (HI ROB!), Poop AKA Bwoody knuckwes, Syd, and My brother for giving me a summer for the ages, and good luck next year in school readers conor and anyone I forgot, sorry, but remember one thing: all 7 of my readers, you're balling

oh, I also tweet lemme get that URL, don't change the site! no don't go to facebook!

ah here it is http://twitter.com/kwanzaagecko

Vegans suck, here's why!

2009-07-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

very few things make my blood boil like the sight of a vegan. whats a Vegan? a Vegans like a Vegitarian (who i have no problems with, I know lots of ballin vegitarians) but with a whole lotta self importance clogging his ass. a Vegan will not eat ANYTHING to do with animals, including milk, cheese, honey and the prized bulls urine of uzbekistan, on the basis that humans should not eat eat for ethical reasons. um, hello? we're omnivores, dawg. we eat FUCKING EVERYTHING, from Meat to veggies, and both are necessities for your diet to be healthy and well rounded. and if a vegan cares so much about the emotions and feelings of the animals they eat, why do not feel for the countless tiny animals killed by wheat threshers, seed drills, and other farming technology, after all, those are animals too, after all.

the point is 99 percent of vegans are hypocrites who believe, quite simply, man is designed to do something he simply isn't, live without meat. and besides, what is considered vegan delicacy? leaves? Eggplant? those are side dishes, have you ever bitten into good steak and not been like "this is fucking delicious, how do people give up meat?" I do all the time, meat is, for lack of a better word, the orgasm of foods. here, lets rate meat kids on a scale of 1 to 5

Beef: 10/5

you ever meet bad beef? no, you know why? no such thing. Beef is tasty any way,, any cut, any slice of beef you get, it 100 percent guaranteed to be fucking delicious, ground of not, fuck, you ever have a cheeseburger? motherfucker, I could eat 10 of those goddamn things like they were nothing. and beef also has the kings of meat on its side: the t-bone steak, porterhouse and filet fucking mignon, which are the only french words that don't mean surrender.

pork: 10000000/5:

Pork mainly goes this high because of two simple words: ba-con, thats right bitch, the king of food, period. Bacon, I'd use all of Jim Gaffigan bacon rant here, but that would be insulting, so I will simply quote a wise friend of mine " Bacon is the meat form of candy" Bacon is simply perfect, facon does not do it justice, nor do turkey or chicken bacon, but shit, bacons like Gemma atkinson humping scarlett Johannson while Queens of the stone age plays in the background, all set to an american flag background and with at least 30 explosions, and then multiply by over 9000, your good. also, pork has sweet and sour pork, and tasty tasty pork roll aka taylor ham, which is dandy for breakfest.

chicken: 4/5

chicken is solid, if unspectacular, its a safe bet at resturants, makes such decadent treats as fried chicken, general tso's chicken and buffalo chicken. on the downside, chicken can be messed up, not like beef or pork, chicken divan is a prime example of this, broccoli and a strange sauce? no thanks hank, on the other hand, when done right, suck as chicken parmesean, chicken teriyaki and chicken fajitas, chicken rivals beef and pork for sheer amazingness, but when failed, chicken is bro levels of fail, because how can you ruin something so damned delicious and perfect and wonderful?

if your a boy and ride quad, your a douche and how to be a kickass parent

2009-07-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

I am hanging out in my backyard today, reading a nice book (Men with Balls by Drew Magary, if you must know) when out of nowhere, ZOOM! some little fuck drives behind My house with a quad. whats a quad? its an ATV, an all terrain vehicle, used by people like i presume park rangers and mountain riders. but if you are a guy under 16 and own a quad and live in suburbia, congrats! your a bro in the making. no vehicle is more inherently useless and shitty than a quad in suburbia, bike that route, bro. normally, I am not an environmental advocate, but for fucks sake, do you not see why we have a gas problem? because dipshit parents who can't raise their kids as kids, and try to make them their best friends, give their little dipshits whatever they want, and have to buy gas to fill up little johnnys useless fucking death device, thus driving the price of gas up for fuckers who need cars, just so you, a dipshit raising a littler dipshit, can make sure your kid likes you. I Guarantee you, my kid will not like me, I will not cave on his every demand or cater to his every whim, allow me to show you a glimpse into the future, bitches.

Kwanzaa gecklet : Dad, can I have-

Kwanzaa gecko : No

Kwanzaa Gecklet: But Dad I-

Kwanzaa gecko: is it your birthday?

Kwanzaa gecklet: No but-

Kwanzaa gecko: is it christmas?

Kwanzaa gecklet : No But timmy at school

Kwanzaa gecko : Listen son, timmy at school is a spoiled bitch, and when he finally has to sit down and start earning shit, that little fuck will be up a shit creek without toilet paper, eventually spiraling downward into a crack addicted skinny weirdo who smells vaguely like gorgonzolla cheese and turns tricks for fat businessmen, inevitably dying a young death of whom no one will remember or care. Now do you want that? do you want to be addicted to crack?

Kwanzaa gecklet : I wanna move in with timmy!

Kwanzaa gecko : go right ahead, saves me a call to the police when I know where you are, now one day, you will be happy I didn't give you everything you wanted, because it gives you a sense of entitlement. do you wanna end up a shitsucking brody jenner spencer pratt douchemaster of the known universe? no you don't, because if you do, you're outta the will, and you don't get my robot dinosaur and mastodon car, and I will choke you to death on your own self tanner.

Kwanzaa gecklet

END SCENE SUCKAS

Point is, if you give your kid a quad, and you live in fucking suburbia, where its a developed neighborhood, I hope your next child drinks gasoline and then burns himself from the inside out, you fuck of a parent

Music that sucks and music that stomps ass

2009-07-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

85 percent of music produced today is god awful shit, its Miley cyrus, whose only use is as tasty jailbait. or its those fucking Jonas Brothers, sorry Jo Bros, your not rock stars, I don't think McJagger has pledged abstinence and been on the cover of good housekeeping, you know who does that? thats right, the gays do, and everyone knows gays can't be rock stars, unless they're elton john. those two acts, Miley and the Jonases, are even pop, ready?

BAM! New Paragraph, I am edgy.

don't even get me started on the shit that is passed off as rock. Good charlotte? Good charlotte is so horrible I would rather get in the ring with ivan drago covered in american things than listen to their shit. Linkin Park? Linkin parks sole achievement is what i've done, and thats only because it ends motherfucking transformers 1, you ever hear a linkin park song that doesn't make you want to go down to the nearest hot topic and want to bludgeon faggoty teenage boys with a sock full of nickels, you haven't heard Linkin park music. Green Day you say? I would personally shove Billie Joe bitchtits into a wood chipper feet first for producing american idiot and their new, even gayer album "we touch young boys". what about fallout boy? if your most famous member of your band is your bassist, your not a rock band, sorry. and Pete Wentz married Ashlee "holy fuck, your dogs shit has more talent than me, and your dogs shits dad doesn't want to bang your sister" simpson, and presumably his balls are so deep in her purse, maddonas got them now. Point is: Rock is dying, and if weren't for the following groups of heroes, it would be dead already

BANDS THAT TOTALLY STOMP ASS:

1. Queens of the Stone Age

See the Josh Homme article for Queens of the stone Age and Eagles of death metal, because anymore writing about Josh Homme and I am certain to be branded a homosexual for Josh Homme, and this is simply not true, rather, I respect the man as a singer, guitarist, keyboardist, drummer, and as being an all around badass

2. Muse

Muse is bitchin good, friends, they have a good style, which is simply show up, smash your face with rock, and leave to go pork their british bitches. People say Muse tries too hard to be radiohead, these people can suck the hair right off my nuts, because they are wrong, Muse takes their sound and facefucks radiohead into submission, radiohead is a bunch of pussies, rolling stone tries to state "every college kid knows they are the most important band of their generation".replace radiohead with queens of the stone age, and important with Tit rockingest, and this statement is true. Muse on the other hand, totally smashes ass and makes Me happy to know british music is still kicking ass and raping nice tits.

3.Mastodon

quite simply, Mastodon is the most world destroying, anus ruining, face metal band ever to be born in the past 20 years, since Metallica started mailing it in. for one: they roll with Josh Homme, so they by default do drugs, punt hippies into the grand canyon, and deflower your sister. not only that, but Mastodon has fought system of a down (remember kids: if your rocking politically, your rocking douchily, and thus, not really rocking, just being a douche), they wrote easily the best album of 2009 so far, crack the skye. Crack the skye is so monumentally good, so transcendendly excellent, those who lose will literally begin to sob tears of fail and suck all over the place, wishing to be awesome enough to be able to listen to Mastodon without hating themselves. Crack the skye has fucking everything, here, let me post the description of it:

BAM!

The album follows a quadriplegic who learned to astrally project and on his journey he flew too close to the sun, burning his umbilical cord which connected him to his body and he flew into oblivion. At the same time in Czarist Russia Rasputin and his cult were channeling spirits and brought the quadriplegic to their time. He explains his situation and foretells the assassination of Rasputin. Inevitably Rasputin is assassinated and Rasputin guides him back to his body."

tell me what about that group of words doesn't totally make you want to rock, its as metal as can be, and i love it.

there you go, Music that doesn't suck, Oh I forgot a few bands:

Kings of Leon, Tokyo Police club, the fratellis, the Kaiser chiefs, the Sword are all lofty as well, give em a listen fellow readers (all 6 of you)

Michael Bay: an Brief biography of a great american

2009-06-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

No one is sure exactly when Michael bay was born, but many believe he was born on one of two days:

day 1)Michael bay was not born, he simply materialized out of Multiple explosions fully grown

day 2) Michael bay appeared on the day the first known win was created, also out of explosions

take of these what you will, but michael bay is also fucking awesome.

why is michael bay awesome? in order to meet the standard of kwanzaa gecko victoriousness for movies to be an action movie, you must have all of these things

1. explosions, often for no particular reason and people getting rocked

2. fighting, the more pointless and violent the better, extra points for fighting aliens, robots and space fights (any combo of the 3 works too)

3. beautiful girls running around in slow motion, for what seems pointless

and if you have seen transformers 1/2, you would know Michael bay has all 3 of these in spades.
the man directed and produced the single most american movie ever: Pearl harbor. Michael bay cares not what critics like roger ebert think of his movies, he only cares about 2 things: making the best fucking movies ever, and making lots of money, both of which he does so well.

god damn, is Michael Bay awesome, lets go through a typical day in the life of Bay

7:00 AM: Wake up

7:00 AM (2 seconds later): Michael bays bedroom has over 9000 badass explosions

7:15 AM: Michael Bay showers in art house faggy movies scripts, using the rolls of film, Michael bay does not appreciate movies that are pretentious and stupid.

7:45: Michael eats a breakfest consisting of bacon, home fries, eggs and tropicana orange juice, with a tasty everything bagel, he eats entirely in slow motion, with his yard exploding behind him

9:00: Michael bay watches all of his movies, having sex with every hot girl in these movies

3:00 PM: Michael bay controls time, he's done now, goes out, directs amazing movie with far too many explosions than can be considered safe

5:00 PM: Michael rides his space tiger over to chuck norris's house, fights him, wins

7:00 PM: Space tiger explodes, turning into a Hot girl who Michael Bay bones, new space tiger appears

10:30 PM: Michael bay, having exausted his supply of semen and explosions, falls asleep.

there you go, the life and times of one of americas greatest men, Michael Bay

7:45

the official Kwanzaa gecko commeration address to the class of 2009

2009-05-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

Now simple blogulons, it is that time of year, the women are in bathing suits, tv is gone (NOOOO!), I am sunbathing naked outside with my flagpole flying the american flag proudly, the Barbeque is out, it is summer, and yes, summer does in fact, smash taint. and You, Yes you, High school seniors, are graduating, some of you might've already, at which point i extend a big tasty fuck you! to you, graduating in may? thats unnatural, summer goes from about flag day to labor day, oh yes, you mock us june school kids now "Ha Ha! I'm not in school and you are!" well while you are going through the first day of school in "holy fuck it is hot, My balls are sticking to my leg like flypaper and there is No air conditioning, what evil fuckdrinker made this happen?" I will be doing what I always do in august: turn my AC down to 50 degrees or so and have a snowball fight in my house while you cook like a fucking chicken in the oven. While we're on the subject of this, what the fuck do we celebrate on flag day? the flag? our flag, while Ball quiveringly wonderful, doesn't deserve its OWN day, as every day is flag day at Kwanzaa geckos house.

but anyway, lots of you crazy kids are graduating soon, and you'll be getting the valedictorian speech, all of which suck, so I will give you one better: MY speech for you graduating little bastards, broken down into tasty tiny mini burger sized points

1. College is fucking awesome, you can do whatever you want, I spent a good chunk of my free time in the library checking out the hot librarian and playing crossword puzzles last semester, and i still passed everything.

2. you don't HAVE to have your major chosen, shit, I'm studying history, you know what kicks ass about history? that shit has an end,its called today. and as a double win, I get to study fucking AMERICA!

3. Make friends, because otherwise you'll be a loser who spends his days at college in your dorm, trying to figure out how to make a lego dildo (take it from someone who has fucked a girl with a lego dildo, don't ruin valuable legos! you'll need them for your spaceship!)

4. technically, you can't bring your pet to college, so do what I do, say your blind,r un into shit for a few days, then have Mom air mail you your dog, its a win for everyone!

5.Look back on High school and laugh, because High school was pre-season shit, you get cows stuck in the 200's in college, your.shit.will.be.rocked, you best not fuck around, all the fuckups have been weeded out up to this point (unless your going to Junior/community college), so its just you and some poor souls who are shelling out 30 thousand washingtons a year to learn shit and turn your dorm into hell.

6. no matter what, your dormmate will hate everything you like, its part of the colleges "whacky odd couple" rule, eventually, you will bond over dish cleaning and have a cool montage at least once, where you bail him out of a tough jam, and he in turn, sells you out by roofieing your girlfriend and banging her in your bed.

7. be prepared for your masturabatory time to go down the shitter, you better find a good quiet place you can jerk off, or you will be fucked. (note: if your a girl, this one doesn't matter)

8. a good revenge for when your roomate roofies your girlfriend? eat barbeque and breakfest burritoes, and while he slumbers, fart in his face. bonus points if you do it without pants, and legendary hero status if its wet and comes in contact with his face.

there you go, tasty bite sized chunks of college life, remember, streaking across campus is only cool if your hot and female!

Why Josh Homme is a god of music

2009-05-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

well bitches, its been two weeks, so I bet you're wondering "Kwanzaa Gecko, you are so handsome, virile, Masculine, Wonderful, you have such a great beard, are there any Men who you consider your equal" of course, now pay me the 20 and I will go "who then?" fuck off I say. "Are there any men who you consider better than you?" and I am forced to admit that Yes, there ARE Men out there who do rule more than myself, however few they are, and thus this inspires my new series of blog posts:

CHAMPIONS, WINNERS AND VICTORIOUS ONES.

now, what is the difference between these 3? simple, level of win

Winner is the lowest one, anyone can be a winner for having the occasional success. The Boston Red Sox, Eli Manning, George W Bush and the guys who write 1 hit wonders can all fall into these categories

Champion is the middle category, someone who has a level of success but isn't in that pantheon of awesome. The Beatles, The Florida Marlins, Peyton Manning, Sandy koufax and Joe Biden are all champions.

finally, we have Victorious ones, or simply, Masters of Victory. These brave Men women and groups have pioneered success to be damn near an art. these People could own multiple lacrosse sticks, drive only jeeps, have the worlds biggest collection of flat brimmed hats, have created Energy drinks, use the word Bro and Brah, and only smell like axe body spray (the official scent of Douchebags everywhere!) and these people would still rock so hard your sexual organs would literally combust by coming near them. I will profile a person of one of these 3 ilks and tell you what they are and why they are it and today, readers, we start off with a doozy.

Our Ginger Lord and Savior of Rock Music: Joshua Motherfucking Homme, or Just Josh Homme

Heres Homme eyeing up your hot 19 year old sister, He is going to pillage her.

Now you may be asking "Kwanzaa gecko! He's a Ginger! He's barely a person" but that is were you are wrong. While yes, Ginger Men for the most part are about as sexy as herpes covered Genital warts, Josh Homme destroys this for one very very good reason: He's a viking. descending from Norway, the cradle of viking civilization, and coincidentally, the cradle of victory. a Viking mainly fed on pillage, rape and Plunder, making him among the first of these new breed of victory Master. Homme obviously descends from these awe inspiring murder masters, but instea do going and around and killing, Homme is arguably the best rocker alive, having formed the greatest band currently function on this planet and in any alternate universe, Queens of the Stone Age.

why does Queens of the stone age rock? Josh Home is in it, so theres that. 100 percent of their songs are about sex fighting and drinking/drugs, which is what real rock and roll is. and finally, they are freakishly talented, and easily the best band on earth. Homme is the straw that stirs the drink, He is a respectable Ginger Male (no easy task) giant, with a sex drive like a bull elephant in mating season, he is a badass in every way, his alternate name on his album? carlo von sexron. what.a.victory master. He described Queens upcoming album as "a desert orgy after dark" He wins so hard its ridiculous.

there, done, happy?

why most animals sucks but a choice few

2009-04-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

Animals suck, for the most part, they crap everywhere, walk around naked, scream incoherently (SPEAK ENGLISH YOU ASSHAT ANIMALS!) and generally produce so much lose, we are experiencing global losing. What is Global losing? think of it like Global warming, but a legitimate problem that we need to solve ASAP. Global losing has contributed to among other things:

the birth of more bro's

the fact that Lacrosse is now considered cool

the deaths of countless ninjas, lumberjacks, vikings and pirates

the fact that a man can drive a hybrid without immeadiately being branded a faggot by his peers.

Tina fey, amy poehler, and Jimmy fallon being considered funny

the fact Lil wayne is sucessful

Ross on friends, caesar on Lost, Missy Peregrym not being on TV and the fact that arrested development got cancelled

Rex Grossman not having a team as of this time

british men getting laid

Sonic the hedgehog games now suck

find me one thing that screams cool to you there, and I'll give you a swift punch in your face, dick.

now, what animals win you ask? simple, I'll throw some out there in an ejaculation of truth justice and win.

animal 1: Rhino

Look at our buddy Mr Rhino here and tell me: what is lose about him? he's huge, giant horns designed mainly to fuck shit up and win, feeds exclusively on the tears of children and the hopes of yuppies, that is a win creature right there.

Animal 2: Hippo

the Hippo is like a water rhino with no horns, but a face that resembles a set of nuts. Manly? you bet your ass they are. they bite fucking everything in sight and from my EXCLUSIVE KWANZAA GECKO SOURCES, it is a crushing bite, not a tearing bite.

and finally; the most win animals to walk the earth: DINOSAURS

I wish I could find one picture with all the WINosaurs, but I can't, so here's a list

tyrannosaurus rex (Eats fuckers like douchebags, tools, raging dickholes and annoying lesbians, also the body of the original megazord in power rangers so you know its win, just not as win as the dragonzord)

Triceratops (spikes, speedy, shield head, you could live on these fuckers, plus they fought T-rex regularly, then went out and punted lose animals like whales and dolphins)

Stegosaurus (Spikes on its tail, undoubtedly used to maul Lose animals and to impregnate bitches)

Brontosaurus (anyone who says apatosaurus is getting apatofmyfootinyourassaurus)

Homosoreass (get it?its a gay joke!)

Ankylosaurus (its made of armor! what isn't win?)

there we go, Animals that win

why America is the best country ever

2009-04-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I just feel that America’s the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

Kenny Powers

that quote sums up american life better than anything maybe ever. are you American? you are? High five yourself. are you canadian? you are? stab yourself in the kidney then stab your birth parents kidney for not having the common decency to get in a car and have you in america. Canada I'm not sure is even its own country, I'm pretty sure they still are britains bitches. you know the only reason britain wins? thats right bitches, TITS!

who wants to see some british boobies? thats right, you do Motherfucker

Look at those! gods gift to Man! who doesn't want to deposit his nut butter there? if they made food in the shape of tits, who wouldn't eat it?

fantastits again, who isn't sporting a boner? I know I am

check out those! I am almost certain you need a permit to be that hot, you can kill old men just walking by (which is kickass, and i know you need a permit, I have one)

BAM! More british tits

anyway, back to america, why does america rule? 1. We have windividuals past and present, Like George Washington, who rode a dragon and killed british people and stole their hot women, Thomas Jefferson, who so epically pwned the french by fucking stealing Louisana by selling it for some ability to win (sadly the ship with win sank, and the french never got it, we kept Louisiana because everybody knows french people are walking living lose). Henry ford, who was so epic he invented the car, and built robot dinosaurs and personally ate the last of the dodos and also made zombies. Thomas Edison, who INVENTED MOTHERFUCKING ELECTRICITY, which is so win. oh, and we made the atom bomb, so suck that, Mexico!

People who complain about americas problems "you're power hungry" "you think you can police the world" "you don't have universal healthcare". these people obviously suck and are jealous of America for being the best motherfucking place on the face of the earth. if you are American and hate America, get the fuck out of MY america, you obviously are so lose you are too big a granola eating, environmentally sound assbandit that you probably just jerk off with fucking leaves and looking at pictures of Hippies, you say "Oh I have freedom of speech" I say "I have the freedom to beat the fuck out of you, its what Alexander Hamilton would've done" . Go live in Canada or drown yourselves, you cumgoblins.

an encycbropedia brotannica entry

2009-04-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

ah and now we get to to the fun stuff, the encbropedia brotannica. what is it you ask? well, it is an encyclopedia for a bro. whats a bro? great question

a bro is aged anywhere from 14 to 30, though most commonly found in the 16-25 range. they are entirely male in species, and there is an easy way to spot a bro. Is the guy next to you got too spiky hair with frosted tips? he does? ok, is his skin anywhere from grossly tan to orange as fuck? it is? do his lips have gloss on them, a little too much to be heterosexual? they do? ok. Does he have idiotic chanel sunglasses that a real man would not be caught raped as a corpse wearing? he does? is He wearing a polo shirt (or shirts) and is the collar popped? it is,well shucks. does he have at least one inane ear piercing and or tattoo? He does? does he have a prefrayed hat brim, a visor worn upside down or sideways (or both), and/or a shell necklace? He does? well then, if you answered yes to at least 2, congradulations, you are sitting next to the american bro, also known as a tool, a douchebag, a guido or fucksucker. Here are some pictured examples

Look at these fags, disgusting. and we wonder why americas education system is trailing? also Not pictured: anyone interested in Pussy.

words don't even describe this guys inane shitheadery, what.a.turd. I hope he gets 4 types of uncurable cancer that rot him painfully, what a drain on society in general.

and we come to our first entry of the Encycbropedia, which is actually more like a dictionary, but whatever, there will be encyclopedic entries here too. our first word is

BRONG

what is a brong? a Brong is a gathering of bros, from all corners of the bro world, at least 5 bros must be present for it to go from brofest to BRONG. Copious amounts of Natty, too much jack johnson, and more lacrosse sticks than anyone knows what to do with will undoubtedly be present. this is a gathering of douchebags, and can be used in a variety of ways, as shown here

Bro 1: Yo brah, wheres Matteo? we were supposed to watch family guy together, Brah.

Bro 2: Brah, he went to Chads Brong-a-thon, they're playing painball.

it it these things that make you want to punt children.

why does everyone look sweet smoking a cigar

2009-04-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

I have been wondering for some time now, perhaps someone can answer me this epic riddle:

why do all people look totally badass smoking cigars?

look at the pictures people:

check out this broad, normally she's an average looking chick, a cigar in her hands, instant Man wood for her, what guy wouldn't bone her like crazy? I know I would tear that ass apart like Lions do fucking zebras.
check out this cat, suit, beard, cigar, does it get more manly? no, he's some explosions and lesbians away from reaching critical levels of badass and being Tom brady or Josh Homme or Alexander Hamilton
Oh crap, look at that fella. suit, smoking room, SWEET GLASSES, AND A CIGAR?! Tell me that guy isn't so deep in pussy he doesn't know what to do with it, he's giving it away like its a fucking moving day.

without fail, a cigar makes an ordinary man into a badass. Shit, cigars turn pussyass animals into pimps, if blogspot wasn't being gayer than rosie o donnel, this would be the portion of my blog were I'd have a sweet duck smoking.

thats all for today bitches, have a balls to the wall, tits on a rope good easter.

welcome readers

2009-04-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, Hola, Guten tag, Konnichiwa, bonjour and all the other languages on this great planet of ours. Welcome to My blog, the Kwanzaa gecko. What you should know about me: I am a loudmouth, filterless, funnyman who hates things and loves things. Stuff you will find here includes:

Rants on everything from Politics to crappy TV (Hello Rock of Love)

Inappropriate politically incorrect "jokes"

gross stereotypes that end up being truthful

the Encycbropedia brotannica (a simple life and times of your american bro)

All the explosions, zombies, tits and other masculine things you will ever need

some hardcore honesty

liberal use of the phrase "Nut Butter".

basically whatever the hell I want to post about. first real post will be later today, but till then, goodbye and all the other crap